Friday, February 19, 2010
I've had people ask me why I write so openly about things and how can I feel comfortable showing my vulnerability. Well first, I started doing this as an online journal, I figured maybe D would read it, a friend here and there, something that I'd do for fun once in a while. It turns out that writing this way is freeing, a complete cathartic experience for me. I don't look at like I'm airing my dirty laundry, I see it as being honest. My home life isn't perfect, but I'm working on it, I don't write about every single detail, just the things I feel like talking about at that time. Yesterday I wrote something about my family history, I didn't go into specifics, but I have no problem doing that. I didn't think it was important in the overall scope of the message. The issues with my past range from normal childhood dramas like being an unpopular late bloomer (glasses, braces, shyness, bad haircuts and horrible wardrobe choices didn't help) to being raised in a house with an abusive stepfather who got great pleasure making my life a living hell.
These are the things that shaped me into the woman I am today, and while I cannot go back and change the wrongs that have been committed I can accept them and move on. Holding onto these things can only give them more power. If I let the past dictate the present or future then I am letting the abuse continue. I can now joke about how ugly I felt in elementary school and I can laugh when I look at the pictures from that time, I'm not that girl now. I can talk freely about living with a man who scared the shit out of me every day because I don't live in that house anymore. I will be honest here because I can be.
I don't really know what prompted this, maybe it's because I am about to go to Dr. Phil (my awesome therapist) for my solo appointment in a few minutes, or because I felt the need to explain some of the stuff I write about. I know I keep promising to write about the "Christmas Incident" which caused the ban of all things Mother-in-law, maybe I needed to preface those stories, which are coming BTW, with a little background.
Who knows. What I do know is that regardless of how easy it is to write the personal details of my life, it's point is not revenge or anything bad like that, it's to show that no matter what happens (or happened) to me I will hopefully be able to learn from it, and not let the bad stuff rule my world. My family life may be messy but it's mine, I can't change that. It's like that cliche expression "you can pick your friends, not your family" without the gross nose-picking part. Maybe I wouldn't have picked them but they are mine, and I love them.