Oops

The Jayhawks - Trouble (Audio & Lyrics)

I am so bad. I know that I need to write. I want to write. I just don't. I prefer to put it all up on Facebook or *gasp* in person with friends.

I realized a few days ago that I did my best writing when I was unhappy pretending to be happy. It was a way of getting out all the anger and angst (aren't they the same thing?) Anyway, I was excited to have found my voice. Realizing that my actual voice is much more effective I took my thoughts and rants with me. Entertaining as I go.

Songs like this would set the mood for a "poor me" post, now I fondly remember the times that this song brings to mind. My single days, a time of despair and hope. Love and hate. Drinking and drinking (I did little else).

I don't keep things in anymore. I don't need to send messages through my writing. If I have something to say now it literally pours from my mouth. Ask D he'll tell you.

I do promise to catch up though. Write about our upcoming vacation. No, not another beach but a visit to the most romantic city in the world. Lets hope my kid can sleep in another country!!

Peace and love.

The relentless pursuit of perfection

Le vent (ballet super slow motion)

I do not believe in perfect. In fact I usually believe the opposite, freeing yourself from the constant chase of that elusive quality we call perfection will lead you to this answer: Imperfection is beautiful.

But like every rule there is an exception. This video is that exception. Beautiful and flawless in every way.

sigh.

My dog broke my keyboard.

OK, that's not true. I don't even have a dog. I would blame it on K's guinea pigs but they only eat strawberries.

I've been MIA for a while even after I promised not to be. My bad. I've been out and about, living way out of my comfort zone. Writing a long post soon to explain our recent adventures which include:

Spring Break Road Trip
An Elvis sighting
Jungle Safari
Bookings (for K)
New friends
Old friends

Plus a ton more. I also started a 60 day program that I will explain later. It might end up with me on camera (my worst nightmare!!)

For now I will enjoy the first Saturday morning I've had to myself in a while!!

Enjoy!

Look what you've done

LOVE LOVE LOVE

50/50

Radiohead - High & Dry

Finally saw the movie 50/50 last night, don't know if it was epic timing or random luck but it helped get some of the emotion out. It seemed to have gotten stuck somewhere between grief and frustration. The little red Netflix envelope had been sitting on the desk for quite a while, for some reason D popped it in the DVR last night. I'm not going to go into the specifics of the movie, basically this guy finds out he has cancer and has a 50% chance of recovery. It's a quiet gem of a film (ugh, did I really just say that?) and is brilliantly played by the adorable Joseph Gordon-Levitt accompanied by the usually, but touching, boisterous Seth Rogen as his sidekick.

Watching this movie made me realize (even more) how important friends are and that things aren't always as they seem.

Really I just wanted to play this song (it's on the soundtrack).

Enjoy it. New post coming with an interesting spin on Blackjack.

Emotional Blackjack

I saw this on my sister from another mister's blog , we are always on the same page so it didn't surprise me that we have a lot of the same answers. She saw on a friend's blog as well. I love these questions, please feel free to share. Be honest though, anything less is only cheating yourself. That's a whole other post though isn't it?


21 THOUGHT PROVOKING QUESTIONS:

What makes someone a hero?
A hero is someone who lives selflessly, honestly and with passion. A person who dedicates their life to helping others and asks for nothing in return.


What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
This is a hard one, I really don't give a shit if people judge me now. I'll have to really think about that and come back when it comes to me. I'd probably wear sluttier clothes.


What did you want to be when you grew up?
When I was really young I wanted to be a divorce lawyer, but that probably had to do with the way my dad got screwed during my parents divorce. What I wanted more than anything was be a casting director. I was an avid reader as a child and would always cast the movie versions of the books I read. Now all I do is sit in casting offices, I guess I got sort of close.


What is your favorite place on Earth?
Wherever D and K are of course but that's so vague. My favorite place is just north of peaceful and a little east of the truth.


If you had to move 3,000 miles away, what one thing would you miss the most?
Clearly I would be with my family so the one thing I would miss is framily (that's friends for all you newbies).


When you're her age what one thing would matter to you the most?
For those that didn't follow the second blog link the woman in the picture is quite beautiful and extremely old. That I made a difference in the world. That I lived a life of truth, that the legacy I left behind is one worth following.


Which is worse, failing or never trying?
Never trying, no explanation needed.


What have you done that you are not proud of?
Allowed someone else to influence my thinking. While I am not proud of this I am grateful that it happened. The lessons I learned from that experience are invaluable.


When did you first realize that life is too short?
I actually learned it last week while attending the funeral and memorial for my friend Steve. The sudden and shocking death of someone my age really rocked me to the core, not just because a beautiful human being is no longer among us but because it could have easily been D or me or K. Still finding it difficult to function normally.


If the average human life span was 40 years how would you live your life differently?
I would not waste a single second of time with people who do not have my best interest in their heart. I would run away from emotional vampires, shape shifters and all other vapid creatures. I would not be stingy with my feelings and embrace life to the fullest. This is something I strive to do every day, while I fail some days I hope that one day it will just come naturally.


What is the one thing you would most like to change about the world?
I would change the ridiculous intolerance that plagues our planet today. I would insist on all love and no hate.


Would you steal to feed a hungry child?
Absolutely.


What's the most difficult decision you've ever had to make?
When I was a kid, I was tormented by my mother's second husband, he was a tyrant, a bully and a coward. He was also very jealous and flew into a fit of rage every time my sister and I came back from spending time with our father. My father's Murray Hill apartment was a sanctuary from insanity and a place (much like the man who lived there) I cherished. After returning home from a nice weekend I was on the receiving end of more torture than a ten year old should ever know. After that weekend I decided to spare us from further abuse and declared that I was no longer going to see my dad. There's not a day that goes by that I do not think about that decision.


What is your biggest phobia?
Claustrophobia. I absolutely cannot stand small spaces. I hate crowds, elevators and caves too. I lasted about a minute during a scuba lesson once. I cannot stand to be in a room without windows, forget being underground. I cannot even sit in the back of a two door car. I hate it mentally too. Nobody puts baby in a corner.


What do you imagine yourself doing ten years from now?
In ten years I will have the onset of empty nest syndrome which will spawn the greatest screenplay of all time. Written in Paris of course.


What are you most excited about in your life, right now, today?
I am excited that after 45 years (yeah that's right, I said it OUT LOUD!!) I am not afraid to be me. Actually I'm not afraid of anything (except the stuff in that phobia question) and to me that is the most exciting thing of them all!


When was the last time you lied? What did you lie about?
A few days ago when discussing the tooth fairy with K. Is it still a lie when you really want to believe it's the truth?


When you help someone do you ever think what's in it for me?
Never. I do wish sometimes that it was followed by a thank you.


What's the one thing you'd like others to remember about you at the end of your life?
That I honestly tried to do the right thing. That even though I might not have always been successful my heart was always in the right place.


What's something you would do every day if you could?
Feed every hungry child in this world.


Where do you find peace?
In the happy eyes of my husband and child.


Your deal.

Comfort food

It's only 12:30PM but my house smells like dinnertime. The inviting aroma of hearty lasagna fills the air. The kind of smell that makes me hungry immediately, even though I no longer eat this kind of food. It smells like home and comforts me. This dinner isn't for me though, it's for my friend who lost her husband (my friend as well)tragically last week.

Women my age should not be mourning the loss of their husbands, it's so strange that it still doesn't feel real. I cannot imagine what she is going through right now. How do you explain to a child that their father isn't coming home. Ever. I have a hard time explaining to K when D has to work late. The amount of details she must be dealing with right now has to be daunting. Mountains of paperwork, legal documents and funeral details alone is an impossible task for a woman feeling such loss. The last thing she needs to think about is dinner.

Bringing food across town is a small thing for me to do but it means a lot to someone else. When I first saw the sign up post I immediately thought of lasagna. I'm not sure why but I felt compelled to bring it. The smell that fills my house when I make it is so comforting me to. Make me warm and cozy and brings me to a place of peace. I have no idea why this happens. I am not Italian, I have no memories of anyone in my family cooking or filling the house with such homey smells. It's something I started making when K was a baby. When I made my house a home. I never really had those "brings me back home" feelings. After I had K I realized I could make my own, and that's what I did. The past can be anything that happened before today, it can be a week, a year a decade, it doesn't matter. Besides my life (or the good part of it) started about 10 years ago. Sights, sounds and smells bring me back to the memories I have created, they bring me back home. My home.

I was hoping that I could bring a moment of comfort to a house in mourning. As usual I made enough food for 10 people, this wasn't done on purpose, I actually do not know how to make a small meal.

K insisted we add some freshly made cookies for them as well. My little girl also hates to see anyone sad and will think of a million ways to make someone smile. That's why I brought her with me when I dropped off their dinner. Unfortunately my friend was out picking up her son. I was able to talk to her mom who updated me on how things were going. She's trying to be strong and get things done but it's so hard. I gave her the giant containers of food and hoped that it brought some comfort.

I guess that's my definition of comfort food. Bringing comfort to someone else.