Too many mental tabs open today.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012


Radiohead - High & Dry

Finally saw the movie 50/50 last night, don't know if it was epic timing or random luck but it helped get some of the emotion out. It seemed to have gotten stuck somewhere between grief and frustration. The little red Netflix envelope had been sitting on the desk for quite a while, for some reason D popped it in the DVR last night. I'm not going to go into the specifics of the movie, basically this guy finds out he has cancer and has a 50% chance of recovery. It's a quiet gem of a film (ugh, did I really just say that?) and is brilliantly played by the adorable Joseph Gordon-Levitt accompanied by the usually, but touching, boisterous Seth Rogen as his sidekick.

Watching this movie made me realize (even more) how important friends are and that things aren't always as they seem.

Really I just wanted to play this song (it's on the soundtrack).

Enjoy it. New post coming with an interesting spin on Blackjack.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Emotional Blackjack

I saw this on my sister from another mister's blog , we are always on the same page so it didn't surprise me that we have a lot of the same answers. She saw on a friend's blog as well. I love these questions, please feel free to share. Be honest though, anything less is only cheating yourself. That's a whole other post though isn't it?


What makes someone a hero?

A hero is someone who lives selflessly, honestly and with passion. A person who dedicates their life to helping others and asks for nothing in return.

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
This is a hard one, I really don't give a shit if people judge me now. I'll have to really think about that and come back when it comes to me. I'd probably wear sluttier clothes.

What did you want to be when you grew up?
When I was really young I wanted to be a divorce lawyer, but that probably had to do with the way my dad got screwed during my parents divorce. What I wanted more than anything was be a casting director. I was an avid reader as a child and would always cast the movie versions of the books I read. Now all I do is sit in casting offices, I guess I got sort of close.

What is your favorite place on Earth?
Wherever D and K are of course but that's so vague. My favorite place is just north of peaceful and a little east of the truth.

If you had to move 3,000 miles away, what one thing would you miss the most?
Clearly I would be with my family so the one thing I would miss is framily (that's friends for all you newbies).

When you're her age what one thing would matter to you the most?
For those that didn't follow the second blog link the woman in the picture is quite beautiful and extremely old. That I made a difference in the world. That I lived a life of truth, that the legacy I left behind is one worth following.

Which is worse, failing or never trying?
Never trying, no explanation needed.

What have you done that you are not proud of?
Allowed someone else to influence my thinking. While I am not proud of this I am grateful that it happened. The lessons I learned from that experience are invaluable.

When did you first realize that life is too short?
I actually learned it last week while attending the funeral and memorial for my friend Steve. The sudden and shocking death of someone my age really rocked me to the core, not just because a beautiful human being is no longer among us but because it could have easily been D or me or K. Still finding it difficult to function normally.

If the average human life span was 40 years how would you live your life differently?
I would not waste a single second of time with people who do not have my best interest in their heart. I would run away from emotional vampires, shape shifters and all other vapid creatures. I would not be stingy with my feelings and embrace life to the fullest. This is something I strive to do every day, while I fail some days I hope that one day it will just come naturally.

What is the one thing you would most like to change about the world?
I would change the ridiculous intolerance that plagues our planet today. I would insist on all love and no hate.

Would you steal to feed a hungry child?

What's the most difficult decision you've ever had to make?
When I was a kid, I was tormented by my mother's second husband, he was a tyrant, a bully and a coward. He was also very jealous and flew into a fit of rage every time my sister and I came back from spending time with our father. My father's Murray Hill apartment was a sanctuary from insanity and a place (much like the man who lived there) I cherished. After returning home from a nice weekend I was on the receiving end of more torture than a ten year old should ever know. After that weekend I decided to spare us from further abuse and declared that I was no longer going to see my dad. There's not a day that goes by that I do not think about that decision.

What is your biggest phobia?
Claustrophobia. I absolutely cannot stand small spaces. I hate crowds, elevators and caves too. I lasted about a minute during a scuba lesson once. I cannot stand to be in a room without windows, forget being underground. I cannot even sit in the back of a two door car. I hate it mentally too. Nobody puts baby in a corner.

What do you imagine yourself doing ten years from now?
In ten years I will have the onset of empty nest syndrome which will spawn the greatest screenplay of all time. Written in Paris of course.

What are you most excited about in your life, right now, today?
I am excited that after 45 years (yeah that's right, I said it OUT LOUD!!) I am not afraid to be me. Actually I'm not afraid of anything (except the stuff in that phobia question) and to me that is the most exciting thing of them all!

When was the last time you lied? What did you lie about?
A few days ago when discussing the tooth fairy with K. Is it still a lie when you really want to believe it's the truth?

When you help someone do you ever think what's in it for me?
Never. I do wish sometimes that it was followed by a thank you.

What's the one thing you'd like others to remember about you at the end of your life?
That I honestly tried to do the right thing. That even though I might not have always been successful my heart was always in the right place.

What's something you would do every day if you could?
Feed every hungry child in this world.

Where do you find peace?
In the happy eyes of my husband and child.

Your deal.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Comfort food

It's only 12:30PM but my house smells like dinnertime. The inviting aroma of hearty lasagna fills the air. The kind of smell that makes me hungry immediately, even though I no longer eat this kind of food. It smells like home and comforts me. This dinner isn't for me though, it's for my friend who lost her husband (my friend as well)tragically last week.

Women my age should not be mourning the loss of their husbands, it's so strange that it still doesn't feel real. I cannot imagine what she is going through right now. How do you explain to a child that their father isn't coming home. Ever. I have a hard time explaining to K when D has to work late. The amount of details she must be dealing with right now has to be daunting. Mountains of paperwork, legal documents and funeral details alone is an impossible task for a woman feeling such loss. The last thing she needs to think about is dinner.

Bringing food across town is a small thing for me to do but it means a lot to someone else. When I first saw the sign up post I immediately thought of lasagna. I'm not sure why but I felt compelled to bring it. The smell that fills my house when I make it is so comforting me to. Make me warm and cozy and brings me to a place of peace. I have no idea why this happens. I am not Italian, I have no memories of anyone in my family cooking or filling the house with such homey smells. It's something I started making when K was a baby. When I made my house a home. I never really had those "brings me back home" feelings. After I had K I realized I could make my own, and that's what I did. The past can be anything that happened before today, it can be a week, a year a decade, it doesn't matter. Besides my life (or the good part of it) started about 10 years ago. Sights, sounds and smells bring me back to the memories I have created, they bring me back home. My home.

I was hoping that I could bring a moment of comfort to a house in mourning. As usual I made enough food for 10 people, this wasn't done on purpose, I actually do not know how to make a small meal.

K insisted we add some freshly made cookies for them as well. My little girl also hates to see anyone sad and will think of a million ways to make someone smile. That's why I brought her with me when I dropped off their dinner. Unfortunately my friend was out picking up her son. I was able to talk to her mom who updated me on how things were going. She's trying to be strong and get things done but it's so hard. I gave her the giant containers of food and hoped that it brought some comfort.

I guess that's my definition of comfort food. Bringing comfort to someone else.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The cure for anything

I saw this on Facebook a few days ago, I wasn't in the mood for another video of some kid singing. Then I saw it on the wall of a friend who is selective about what she posts so I hit play. Suddenly my bad mood melted away and happy tears were streaming down my face. This little angel with her sweet smile and infectious innocence took me back to my center. I had been feeling off for a few days. It was a combination of everything. D working nonstop, K acting up and completely ignoring any request made by me, the sudden passing of a friend, the imminent arrival of my period, the high pollen count, the ridiculous GOP race. You name it, I carried it.

Sitting on my couch with the weight of the world on my shoulder was getting to be a burden even I couldn't carry. If I had normal emotions a good frustration cry would have easily settled things down. Normal is something I have zero experience with, a fact that does not bother me. Anyway, I was sitting there, lost in the negativity, watching D work from home (another annoyance since he worked late that night). Hitting play on a youtube video is something I do countless times a day with very little reaction.

You would think that an adorable baby singing would be like kryptonite to a sarcastic and jaded east coaster, the opposite is true though. Inside every one of us is a weepy, crying fool just waiting to get out so we can make fun of ourselves.

Watch this, it will take you to a place of innocence, new beginnings, possibility and joy. If not at least it's a cute baby singing. If you get nothing out of it check for a pulse.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Hazy, lazy and crazy.

No, those aren't the names of my ex friends, although it does fit. This is how I feel lately, hazy due to a ridiculously high pollen count, crazy due to trying to be all things to all people (and D's relentless schedule) and lazy because, honestly, I just don't feel like doing much of anything. I believe the last one is a direct result of the first two.

I vowed to blog more often and I just can't seem to catch up. I have many of them started, but once they go in the draft file, they rarely come out. I still have old ones from last year in there. Some of them written from the heart and some out of anger. They were posts meant for the above mentioned ex friends (who for some reason still find my life interesting) I won't give them the satisfaction of seeing those. I have no anger now, in fact reading the drafts made me laugh. I imagined the conversations that would have followed. More "I can't believe she wrote that" kind of stuff. It's all true too, but sociopaths never accurately remember their own actions.

I've been thinking of Steve a lot, still shocked that someone I know is no longer here. It seems unreal, especially when I can still go to his Facebook page and see his smiling face. His funeral is on Friday, I'll be seeing a bunch of old friends and colleagues. It will be nice to catch up with old friends, none of us are happy as to the reason we are all getting together. I've had conversations with people I have not seen in years. It always feels good to hear voices from the past. Lately I've been thinking of all the people I don't speak with anymore, old friends or family members that are not present in my life. I've made a huge effort to reach out to the ones I've been putting off.

I thought a lot about the family members I no longer speak with, am I OK with things as they are? If I get a call with tragic news will I feel regret and remorse? I went through the rolodex in my head and imagined the dialogue of the phone calls. I was surprised to find that I was indeed OK with my decision. Of course actual mileage may vary but deep down I know that my decisions are just. I did the same with friends. While Facebook has put me in touch with almost everyone I have ever known there are a few old buddies out there that I would love to find. Hearing that they are no longer with us with be sad. as for the friends I no longer have, I would probably be saddened to hear any bad news but nothing would change regarding my feelings now. While I would hate for anything bad to happen to anyone, I stand by all my decisions.

I do feel bad about slacking on this page. My BFF has started hers up again, hopefully this will inspire me to write more. While this blog was cathartic for me for so long, my Facebook page has taken over and accomplishes that daily. Plus I am safe from stalkers. No J, you are not a stalker, I know what you do!!

I deleted most of the old posts, let all that anger, albeit clever anger, drift off into cyberspace.

I'm hoping that the recent rain has washed away haze, I can live with lazy and's what makes me fun.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

A Lack of Color

Sorry for the stream of consciousness, all the thoughts swirling around my head need an exit. They are uncooperative and coming out in no particular order.

This is how I feel today. D and I lost a friend yesterday completely unexpected and hard to fathom. An avid astronomer, fabulous drummer and fellow Jet fan. Also a wonderful husband and father. When you hear news like this the world stops for a moment, but maybe it's longer than that. It then starts again but everything is in slow motion. It stays that way for a while then you sleep. The dreams don't help, they are confusing. Did something happen? No everyone is fine. Waking up in a state of confusion praying that was a dream. It wasn't.

Knowing a friend is hurting and unable to make it better leaves you feeling helpless and afraid. These are good people. No, these are great people. Bad things shouldn't happen to great people, not like this.

I was going to post on his wall about Peyton Manning possibly going to the Jets. I didn't. Why didn't I? I want to go back in time. I want to tell them what's about to happen. I want to stop time to stop death. To make everyone happy again.

Then I think of D. He's been working late every night and most weekends trying to meet yet another impossible deadline. I am supportive, this is a wonderful project but I miss him. Now I think of him driving home late and tired. What if something happens to him?

My friend B is now a widow. Strong, confident, conqueror of all things, B has lost her someone. Her support team is strong though. Her family and friends have rallied and are setting up meal deliveries, funds for her young son and around the clock company. This happens when you are great.

When someone you know dies you question mortality. I'm not so concerned about my own, just those around me. If something happened to D I would fall apart. I am not great, I am not a conqueror, I am average at best. I put on a good front but I am not complete without D and K.

Thoughts of bad things pop into my head often (another wonderful side effect of OCD) but I have learned to quell them with logic. The sirens I hear are not headed to K's school, logically I know this. Actually I know this because there would be a phone call.

When confronted by death quelling is not possible. Death is not logical or actual. It is final. There are no shades of gray. There is nothing.

That's not true.

There is something. There is me. Average, upset and desperate to help. I offer myself and become part of the team. Phone calls are made, emails are sent, friends reconnect. Photos and stories are shared on Steve's Facebook page. We are all in shock by this but are now together being strong for B and her young son. Average me, making plans to deliver food and information to other friends.

This isn't about me.

This is also where I lost most of this post. I will go on but not duplicate what I wrote because it came from the heart and my heart is working independently from my brain today.

All around Los Angeles people are wondering what they can do to help, to make the next few weeks a little easier for a friend. She has no idea this is happening. She is home with her son waiting to wake up from this terrible dream. She is now in slow motion and we are all around her conjuring up funny memories of her Steve, filling the universe with happy memories that find their way to her head when it has time to clear.

I need to look for pictures, I have a great one of him giving the finger to my camera after our beloved Jets lost to D's Patriots. I see a color.


I remember their wedding and the way she looked at him. I see another color.


I think of the first time I met their son and his beautiful head of blond hair. I see a color.


I think of the stories she told me after they went camping in the hopes of seeing something astronomy related. I see a color.


I think of many things and see years of happy memories, in every shade and color possible. We are here, keeping these colors for her. Keeping them safe for when she needs them. For their son who will grow up seeing his father in the vivid colors we will paint for him.

There is no lack of color here. There is life, there is love and there is us. Only there is one less of us now. I cannot go back and send that email. I cannot go back and stop time. I cannot change anything. I can merely hold on to these memories and keep our friend alive in my heart and soul.

“In our life there is a single color, as on an artist's palette, which provides the meaning of life and art. It is the color of love.”

We have that in abundance.

Monday, March 12, 2012


Currently making me cry. I'd have another baby just to do this. Don't tell D!