Too many mental tabs open today.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

All I Ever Wanted

I am a girl of simple wants: I simply want every to be happy. Doesn't seem like I'm asking much, I mean I could want lots of things right? I don't have much to complain about, D, K and I are all healthy, we have a roof over our heads, a fully stocked refrigerator and carry no debt. K does well is school, D has a steady stream of work flowing into his company and I am managing to keep it all running smoothly. Sure we hit some speedbumps now and then but we are pretty much on the right track, finally.

April has brought K three huge booking it's also brought the deaths of three people close to us and our family and while that is way too much for anyone to deal with we will try to take something positive out of it. D was recently up north at the first funeral and he really enjoyed spending time with his cousins, he realized that the only time he gets to see them is when something bad happens. We would really like to change that. All the issues with his mother should have nothing to do his relationship with the other members of his family. We can make a trip up to see them without any MIL drama. Another thing I've always wanted was a big family, marrying an only child didn't really help that.

Wednesday we attended the funeral for the mother of some friends of ours. Although the busy schedules of all of our lives keeps us from seeing these friends often we are always at each others birthday parties and events. Our growing family of friends is large and we watched as this group went from the single-party-people crowd to the baby-on-board set. It's always the same faces at these parties and the happiest face at one particular set of parties was always our friend's mom L. Seriously, every time I think of this woman she is smiling. She was such a huge help to her kids when they had kids of their own and I was always so jealous! Seriously, One of the things I really wanted was a relative who live close to us, but not just any relative, someone like L was always such a help. D and I were not blessed with this but we could live vicariously through our friends that were. L served as the benchmark for that.

That night D and I went to see one of my favorite bands, The Airborne Toxic Event at the El Rey. The last thing I wanted to do was to get back into my car and drive to Hollywood but still into the traffic I went. Actually the traffic was great. So was the band. The song in the video above is off the new album and it is amazing. I was happy to hear it, especially after such an emotional day. The night would have perfect had D not received the annual "I'm in the hospital" call from his mother. Normally a call like that would elicit sympathy and worry but receiving this call every year around Mother's Day has made it just another thing we have to deal with. It always starts out the same too: She'll go to the ER with some issue, they will admit her (living in a small town has it's advantages) a day later she will call D and say she's probably going to need surgery. A few days they will release her finding nothing wrong. Normally I react strongly. This time I just wanted to hear the news, I had no feelings except pity. It was getting old already.

After the day we had, saying goodbye to a wonderful woman, enjoying a show with my true love, contrived bad news was just an annoyance and a reminder that I will never have the family circle that I always wanted. I know that the phone call was planned to garner the maximum effect but it's a good reminder to check your facts first. Know your audience, especially where they were the day you decide to drop your yearly bomb.

I know it sounds like I'm angry, but I'm not. I just need a cathartic way to let it out. It actually turned comical when I reminded D the rule of threes: Once is an occurrence, twice is a coincidence and three times establishes a pattern. We were able to enjoy the concert instead of rushing home. We were on the same page this time and left the show arm in arm instead of side by side.

Which is really all I ever wanted.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Go take a hike

Originally written on 4/18/11. I was going to add to it but never got around to it. After attending the funeral today I just decided to post it. I'll probably post more on that but not now.

It was a rough weekend for us. Last week we received the terrible news that D's cousin's young son had died. It was a shock for many reasons, we found out that he had taken his own life after years of suffering with a mental illness. After careful consideration we decided that D would attend the funeral and I would stay home with K. Taking her to a funeral didn't seem right. I know that D didn't fully agree with me until he arrived at the service but I knew in my heart it wasn't the place for her. This was a time for grieving and rallying around a family who needed support, K is too young to grasp that concept and wouldn't understand what was happening. Right before the funeral started D got a call from another side of his family saying that his aunt had passed away after be ill for some time.

This was sad to hear as well, a few years ago we went to visit that side of the family in Chicago and had a wonderful time. His aunt was clearly the matriarch of the family and had the kind of old school grace and toughness you don't really get to see anymore. We had planned to go back but that thing called life somehow got in the way. I felt really awful for D who was not only at a funeral but just learned of another death. I could only tell him I loved him and offer my sympathy.

On Sunday K and I decided to go to the local Farmer's Market and invited our friends R and N to join us. N was up North at a family wedding so R joined us. D was coming home but had a 7 or 8 hour drive and we needed to get out of the house. After the market R suggested a hike. After the laughing stopped (I don't hike) I had to say yes, K was already planning her outfit. I was actually happy to get away from things and spend some time being unreachable.

We did great, only one fall (K) and we didn't get lost. R was a terrific guide and was so patient with the inexperienced hiker (me). I took a few pictures including the one above featuring K and her walking stick "stickie." After hiking we came back home and made brownies, R left to do some work and K and I waited for D. Poor D, he was exhausted when he finally walked through the door. He spent more time driving than visiting and was completely wiped out. Still he happily entertained his adoring child while I caught up on my emails and made sure I had the right location and calltime for K's shoot on Monday.

While checking my email I saw one from a friend with nothing in the subject line. That was strange for him. The email contained the tragic news that another friend's mother was killed in a car accident. This one was really tough to take. Not that the others weren't, D's cousin was a complete shock and my heart ached for his family, I couldn't even imagine the pain and suffering they were experiencing, his aunts death was really sad to hear but not unexpected since she had been ill for some time. This was so completely shocking I am still not believing it. She was also probably the nicest woman anyone had met. Seriously. Every time we saw her I would tell her how utterly jealous I was of her daughters and the amazing mom they had. She adored K and was so great with kids she made Mary Poppins look like Cruella De Vil. I couldn't imagine the pain that her children were feeling. I waited until K was out of the room and told D the news. He had the same reaction I did. Shocked sadness. I think we were both a little freaked out every time the phone rang that night. Three deaths in a week was just about all the bad news we could take.

Spring break is this week and I'd like to go back to nature again. Being up on the trail was nice. Seeing the world from a different view was inspiring, like nothing up there could hurt us. I'm hoping for an uneventful and stress-free week.

Call your parents and tell them you love them. It'll be a nice surprise for you both.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Complete Adoration

Spring Break is over and D shuffled K off to school this morning. I sat in my kitchen and watched them drive away, my sadness was replaced by smiles when I thought about all the things we did this past week. The highlight had to be Saturday night. We piled into the car and headed over to the forgotten LA Forum, D had scored tickets to the Prince concert. K was excited to see her first concert (technically it was her second concert, she doesn't seem to remember going to Coachella when was a toddler) and had her nails painted purple in Princes honor. We figured since it was an all ages show there would be lots of kids, besides K I saw only one other kid. Whatever, it wasn't a school night and how often do we do something like this.

We found our seat and watched the crowd grow, K was in awe of the giant venue and tried to guess how many people were going to be there. I just hoped that she would make it through the set. The lights dimmed and the announcer introduced Chaka Kahn, a complete surprise to me since I thought it was a solo concert. Chaka Kahn has been a favorite of mine since I was a kid and I immediately started screaming like one. Soon the three of us were dancing and singing and having a great time. After Chaka finished the lights went back on again. K was confused and I told her that Prince would be on soon, Chaka was just the opening act.

When the lights were lowered she knew it was time and stood up in her seat to see. She stayed in that position for most of the show. Towards the end we could see that she was fading but made it through until the last song. We then had to explain what an encore was and she declared her need to go to the bathroom. We left our seats and said goodbye to the people we were sitting near and headed down to the bathroom. I could hear the encore starting and she tried to hurry.

We found a new place to watch the end of the show and K had found some reserve energy to get her through it.

Then I heard it. I looked at Dave who recognized the notes immediately. Prince was about to sing "Adore" not just a favorite song of ours (it is) but our wedding song. When we were driving to the show I wondered aloud as to whether he would play "Adore" D was sure he would (even though he didn't at he last show we saw). It was such a beautiful moment. The three of us melted into one and we swayed to the rhythm of the song that meant a lot to us. I had actually forgotten how much it meant and at that moment, hearing it live, it brought me to tears. It was wonderful.

Hearing our song live, with our daughter there with us almost felt like a renewal of the vows we said on our wedding day. We've been through so much since we took the dance floor as man and wife. We've grown as a couple and as individuals, even though it took a while and it wasn't easy, we got there. Sometimes I forget the struggle as I fall into a comfortable routine. I'm glad I have reminders to nudge me out of my rut.

I think maybe later I'll put on this song and recreate that first dance. Minus the dress though, it was itchy.

until the end of time..........

Friday, April 15, 2011


Day of Silence April 15, 2011

On the National Day of Silence hundreds of thousands of students nationwide take a vow of silence to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in their schools.

Read all about it here:

Think before you speak.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Foo me once!

Foo Fighters - Everlong

OK, I seem to have a slight obsession this week. I do tend to get a tad giddy when one of my favorite bands releases a new album. This album release coincided with a documentary and a live concert, which we watched earlier. I swear, this kind of stuff makes me feel like a teenager and I don't care. I love it. That feeling you get when you hear an album for the first time does not change, at least it doesn't for me.

I remember when The Color and The Shape came out. I was still married to Starter Husband. I ran out that day to buy the CD and played it immediately squealing with delight at every track. After a few minutes he just looked at me and said "What are you 12?" Sadly, it wasn't the only time he made that comment. He clearly didn't appreciate my taste in music or excitement over anything that didn't involve rating points (he worked in TV ad sales). It was another defeat in my quest for happiness and one of the (ten thousand) reasons I am not wearing a ring from him. Ironically we saw the Foo Fighters in concert for that tour. While he didn't care for listening to music "like a 12 year old" Starter Husband took every opportunity to make his clients happy and lucky for me one of those clients just happened to be a fan of the band.

I think of this often, especially when a new album comes out. D and I share a love for music and while we might not always agree there are a few bands that we absolutely adore. The Foos are one of them. This is a total change from what I had before. When I hear of a show coming up I rush to tell him about it instead of keeping my mouth shut in fear of humiliation. In fact, D might even be worse than me. We just saw a commercial for a few shows Prince was doing next week and he was immediately on a website securing tickets for us. In February we trekked out to Pomona to see Stone Temple Pilots for the tenth (OK fifth) time. Last month I mentioned that one of my new favorite bands had announced some tour dates and guess what, we're going.

I love going to shows with D, he doesn't chastise me for screaming, yelling, singing and dancing. He loves it. He calls me his Rockr Girl. A nickname that makes me supremely happy. It's been almost 14 years since Starter Husband uttered his comment. I still remember it like it was yesterday even though it feels like it happened a lifetime ago.

In a few weeks D and I will be bouncing to The Airborne Toxic Event and yelling like a couple of 12 year olds. I'd love to call Starter Husband from the show just to let him know that I am indeed still 12 but I don't want to wake him up. I'm sure the old man will have been fast asleep for hours by the time the show starts. Did I mention that I was older than him?

We are here for such a short time, why not enjoy it all? I just posted this on my wonderful friend N's blog:

Age is just a number other people need to justify their defeat. Enjoy it all and concentrate on the memories, not the numeral.

It totally makes sense here so I'm stealing it from myself.

Rock on people


Monday, April 11, 2011

I pity the Foo

Foo Fighters - Rope

New Foo Fighters album is available today, a whole day early. Can't wait to listen in my car tomorrow on the way to my almost weekly bitch session with one of my favorite besties.

I love Dave Grohl so much. I think he'd make a great BFF: We like the same music, he has a kid and he'd totally get along with D. So Dave if you happen to be reading this, send me an email, I'm in the market for a new guy pal and I think you have all the necessary qualifications.

For the rest of you, I'm thinking of changing the look of this blog. I'm feeling spiritually clean and I want my world to match. Any suggestions are welcome.

Still writing my Emotional Creatures of the Night piece. I can't spend too much time on it, I start to get pissed off and I'm staying away from negative feelings like that. I'm also still recovering from a long week, K shot 6 out of 8 days. She had a blast and got to work with friends and her favorite photographer. I loved it because I always lose weight on the "set diet." I spend so much time talking I don't have time to eat.

Have a wonderful night.

I'll be waiting for an email Dave Grohl.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Just because..

I am completely obsessed with this baby. His little laugh is more than infectious, it makes my uterus hurt. I remember K's little belly laughs, she still can burst into uncontrollable giggles which warms my soul.

I'm too exhausted to write anything, my belly laughing supermodel has worked 5 out of the last 6 days and I've had to juggle it all. I'm not complaining, these kind of weeks are a dream come true in our business. I've even managed to have her in school every day (even if one of those school days lasted 45 minutes). Thankfully she has a day off tomorrow and she will be in school all day which will leave me time to do something other than preparing for a day on set.

For all those who think I am torturing my child please know that she hugged and thanked the producer today when she asked if K would like to come back on Saturday.

Enjoy the laughs, I am about to enjoy a wonderful bottle of Tempranillo with my husband, who I have not seen in a few days.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Blessings, bookings and bunk beds.

Very busy these last few days!! Besides the bookings and auditions for K, I've tried to slip in some quality time with my friends (in person), organize my house for K's new (and gigantic) bunk bed and find time in between to catch up with my darling D. I think we saw each other this weekend.

Here are a few of the things currently making me happy:

My loves D and K (of course)

The look on K's face when she saw her new bed (and bedding)

The look on D's face when said bed was put together (thanks to our strong and manly friend LE, you rule!!)

The way my daughter looked at her photoshoot on Saturday for Hanna Andersson

The great job she did at that photoshoot even though the first shot was difficult

The fact that that they had her stay to do more and are having her back today (and tomorrow!)

D's cold is finally gone, which means more cuddling now

Audition for a job in Costa Rica (a girl can dream, no?)

My friends. My real friends. After "all the drama" I was skittish and afraid to trust. D told me not to live this way, so I let it go. What I discovered was an army of the best people in the world. I cherish and value them completely. I take the time to call, write, text and visit as much as possible. I am happy and blessed to have these people in my life. Letting go of that fear opened me up to a whole new place and I have invited even more people into. I was once accused of only having only virtual friends by someone who didn't know really know me at all. Now, while I make the rounds I think of that and laugh.

K's new bed. It's a serious piece of furniture, I will post a picture of it soon. Turning her little girl room into an oasis of cool was fun for me, even though it reminds me of how fast she's growing up.

My new Tory Burch boots. Sorry but they make me happy and they are gorgeous. I've already been stopped a million times and asked about them. Score!

My friend Alex and her incredible talent. She did a shoot with K on Friday and managed to snap a few of me and K. For the first time in my life I didn't cringe when she posted the picture on Facebook. In fact, I immediately put it up on my page. I may post it here, still undecided. This brings me to:

Love. I am happy for love. Happy that after years of stumbling around it and finding it impossible to fully let go, I am learning that it isn't so hard. I'm not just talking about romantic love, although that is included in this, I mean love of life, love of friends, love of the uncertainty of things. I think what I've recently learned is that love is what's on the other side of fear. Once you leap over the fear you can find love in anything. All those years I held on to the fear and I never knew why. It wasn't fear of the unknown. It was fear of love and I know now that there is nothing to fear about love. I know I've written about love before but this is a different kind of love. It encompasses all. It's what I found on the other side of fear, not hate. I don't really hate, I don't see the point.

So once again I've gone off on a tangent but ended up in a realization. I've made a list that includes, boots, furniture and a profound truth. All this on a Monday morning.

I can't wait to see what this week brings!

Peace and love and truth and destiny to you all.