Too many mental tabs open today.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

I love this movie. I've loved this movie since the first time I saw it 23 years ago (crap, I'm old). It's one of those movies that will guarantee a good cry out of me. Often I go back to it but not because I have a thing for Kevin Bacon. I realize that there are a few movies that do this to me: "It's a Wonderful Life," "Breakfast at Tiffany's," and pretty much anything from Pixar. I always found this strange since I cannot cry when faced with real life emotional issues. Although I did break down last week to a friend upon hearing a ridiculous fabrication of something that I was accused of saying. It was so absurd I started to laugh, then I just got mad and then I broke down. Why would anyone go to such lengths to make up something that was seriously so stupid? I ended up on the floor asking "why? why? why?" I will admit that I felt better after that.

I've been doing a huge amount of soul searching and learning lately and I keep coming back to Kevin Bacon. In this movie ("She's Having A Baby") he goes through his issues and in the end is faced with his self-realization. Pretty much like all movies, I guess. What sets this one apart is not so much the lesson he learns about himself but how he explains it.

I know the lesson well. I've tried my whole life to be all things to all people. Not because it gives me a better sense of being or the satisfaction of helping others. I've been trying to hide who and what I was. I wasn't hiding from those around me, I was hiding from myself. Sure, I've had epiphanies here before but coming out of this drama has brought it all out and what I've learned is huge. I've been struggling to find the words to explain it and I keep coming back to Kevin Bacon, or at least the words he uses to describe this revelation. It's funny because I know this monologue by heart. Not just because that's something I do with all movies but because this one always resonated with me. I realize that the reason I cry when I think about it is because I've been waiting my whole life to learn this lesson.

It's also why I cry at the end of "It's A Wonderful Life" I've seen this movie literally hundreds of times. I know it by heart and I know what's coming. I now know that I cry because it means another year has passed and I still have not gotten to that place inside, that place I've been trying to find for years.

I don't want to put it in my own words because I think the late John Hughes said it so perfectly. I'm going to flat out take it because it's been in my head so long it actually feels like mine. If you watch the clip this takes place at the very end.

and in the end,
I realized that I took more than I gave,
I was trusted more than I trusted,
but I was loved
more than I loved
and what I was looking for was not to be found,
but to be made.

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