Too many mental tabs open today.

Friday, March 6, 2015

We will never be loyal

I hope that the image above is true, unfortunately I tend to run into the type that inspired the title of this blog.

It's sad because I am extremely loyal, I used to see it as a badge of honor but lately it feels more like a character flaw. I try to surround myself with others that are like me: Flawed, authentic, trustworthy and loyal. I don't want my friends to be perfect, just real. It's an ongoing theme of each chapter in the story of  my life. Like any story we must say goodbye to certain people. Some chapters you don't even see it coming, like a George R. R. Martin novel without all the blood.

When I first started writing this I had friends that I thought were true blue. Sure there were some odd traits but that never bothered me. Of course looking back I can see they weren't quirks, they were huge red flags waving with such velocity they were causing tornadoes (which I failed to see as well.) OK, lesson learned and I came out of it a little wiser with a few less names on my holiday card list.

I proceeded with life, moved on, made new friends and forgot the betrayal that somehow didn't sting anymore. Time buries all wounds right? I chose wisely, carefully distinguished between quirky faults and psychotic clues. It's hard when you really just want to trust someone but you know that one day, that other shoe might just drop. Luckily nothing really terrible happened. No huge betrayal, some friends came in and out of our lives which is normal, especially when you live in an urban sprawl.

I fell into a pattern, happy with those around me, always available with a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear complaints and a hand to hold when hand holding was necessary. I always seemed to be the one people called when they needed to vent, that was fine with me, it's a role I am used to and actually good at it. Then I started noticing a different pattern. With some friends, and if this blog was a podcast the friends would sounds like  f r i e n d s , the relationship became very one sided. I only heard from them when they needed something. Still, it was better than before so I accepted it. Rookie mistake. I regrouped again and tightened my circle.

My MO has always been to listen, pay careful attention, don't say much but hear everything. Sometimes that can be taken for naivete when it is in fact the complete opposite. I am acutely aware of everything, sometimes to a fault. It's my superpower. I often predict situations that seem to come out of nowhere to the unsuspecting victim. Obvious to anyone who listens of course.

Recently I was put in a situation where I felt it necessary to stick up for a friend who had become a f r i e n d.  That sort of loyalty was appreciated and for a while we were back to being friends. Then I noticed that we were only friends when I was steering the friendship (see what I did there?) When this person had the chance to show their loyalty they didn't even try. I think when a person tries to show their true color, let them. Will I continue to be loyal? Of course. I don't want to stop being who I am because it sometimes leads to frustration.

When loyalty and trust are returned it feels wonderful, like you're the queen of the castle.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

On Demand

Wow, it's been so long since I wrote anything on here. I think social media, Facebook to be exact, took the place of this blog. For years I would come here and write what I was feeling, anonymously, freely and without the fear of anyone really confronting me. I guess I got brave, putting out what I was feeling on Facebook was like instant gratification for the soul. Plus I decided years ago to stop internalizing things, so when I'm happy, sad, pissed, angry, depressed and freaked out I let it be known.

I do miss writing. Sometimes I write blog entries in my head but then I'm the only audience. I'm a great audience though, I find myself brilliant at times.

It's been so long since I wrote I forgot how to access my blog. I had to email myself an entry from Timehop and then go in that way.

I was inspired to write today because of my cell phone, or my "hand computer" as D likes to say. Last year my mother traded her ancient flip phone for a "smart" phone and discovered texting.  It was a lesson in patience as she navigated through the learning process. If I didn't answer her text immediately she would send it again (and again and again.) Then she would call my cell and ask if I got her text. If I didn't answer she would call me at home. I'm all for being available but I do not recall offering On Demand service.

Since when did having a cell phone become synonymous with being on call? I know it's hard to go two feet without seeing a human attached at the hand to their device but not everyone enjoys the tethering.

Sure, I use my phone every day but not every waking minute. OK, I actually do use it at my waking minute but only because I don't trust alarm clocks. I keep my phone in my purse on the floor of my car while driving, I keep it in the car when I pick up K and I keep it in my bedroom at night. If I get a text or call after 7:00PM it's usually not returned until the next morning, unless of course it's an emergency.

If I am busy during the day I do not answer my phone. That is sometimes followed by a text, which is sometimes followed by a flurry of other calls. I am not a doctor, I am not saving the world, nothing I have to say warrants such urgency.

I miss the days of the one line phone, I haven't heard a busy signal in decades.  I remember going to school and being excited to see friends and catch up on what happened the night before. Now we are all up in each others shit 24/7. Back then no one ever asked "Are you mad at me?" because their call wasn't instantaneously returned. Whatever we had to say waited.

So if I don't immediately return your call, text, email, tweet or Facebook post, please don't worry. I could be shooting, editing, driving, mothering, enjoying a latte or maybe I'm just stopping to smell a few roses.

I'm happy to be in demand but I refuse to be On Demand.