Too many mental tabs open today.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Hazy, lazy and crazy.

No, those aren't the names of my ex friends, although it does fit. This is how I feel lately, hazy due to a ridiculously high pollen count, crazy due to trying to be all things to all people (and D's relentless schedule) and lazy because, honestly, I just don't feel like doing much of anything. I believe the last one is a direct result of the first two.

I vowed to blog more often and I just can't seem to catch up. I have many of them started, but once they go in the draft file, they rarely come out. I still have old ones from last year in there. Some of them written from the heart and some out of anger. They were posts meant for the above mentioned ex friends (who for some reason still find my life interesting) I won't give them the satisfaction of seeing those. I have no anger now, in fact reading the drafts made me laugh. I imagined the conversations that would have followed. More "I can't believe she wrote that" kind of stuff. It's all true too, but sociopaths never accurately remember their own actions.

I've been thinking of Steve a lot, still shocked that someone I know is no longer here. It seems unreal, especially when I can still go to his Facebook page and see his smiling face. His funeral is on Friday, I'll be seeing a bunch of old friends and colleagues. It will be nice to catch up with old friends, none of us are happy as to the reason we are all getting together. I've had conversations with people I have not seen in years. It always feels good to hear voices from the past. Lately I've been thinking of all the people I don't speak with anymore, old friends or family members that are not present in my life. I've made a huge effort to reach out to the ones I've been putting off.

I thought a lot about the family members I no longer speak with, am I OK with things as they are? If I get a call with tragic news will I feel regret and remorse? I went through the rolodex in my head and imagined the dialogue of the phone calls. I was surprised to find that I was indeed OK with my decision. Of course actual mileage may vary but deep down I know that my decisions are just. I did the same with friends. While Facebook has put me in touch with almost everyone I have ever known there are a few old buddies out there that I would love to find. Hearing that they are no longer with us with be sad. as for the friends I no longer have, I would probably be saddened to hear any bad news but nothing would change regarding my feelings now. While I would hate for anything bad to happen to anyone, I stand by all my decisions.

I do feel bad about slacking on this page. My BFF has started hers up again, hopefully this will inspire me to write more. While this blog was cathartic for me for so long, my Facebook page has taken over and accomplishes that daily. Plus I am safe from stalkers. No J, you are not a stalker, I know what you do!!

I deleted most of the old posts, let all that anger, albeit clever anger, drift off into cyberspace.

I'm hoping that the recent rain has washed away haze, I can live with lazy and's what makes me fun.

1 comment:

  1. Isn't it just like Life to derail us from our good intentions? When I deleted my original FB account I severed connections with so many people. Then 2 weeks ago when my friend suddenly passed away I felt stinging remorse. He and I were FB friends and when I recently returned I didn't reach out to anyone and now he's gone. So now I know to view these derailments as bright neon signs that require my full attention. I am blessed and thankful for your presence in my life.