The cure for anything

I saw this on Facebook a few days ago, I wasn't in the mood for another video of some kid singing. Then I saw it on the wall of a friend who is selective about what she posts so I hit play. Suddenly my bad mood melted away and happy tears were streaming down my face. This little angel with her sweet smile and infectious innocence took me back to my center. I had been feeling off for a few days. It was a combination of everything. D working nonstop, K acting up and completely ignoring any request made by me, the sudden passing of a friend, the imminent arrival of my period, the high pollen count, the ridiculous GOP race. You name it, I carried it.

Sitting on my couch with the weight of the world on my shoulder was getting to be a burden even I couldn't carry. If I had normal emotions a good frustration cry would have easily settled things down. Normal is something I have zero experience with, a fact that does not bother me. Anyway, I was sitting there, lost in the negativity, watching D work from home (another annoyance since he worked late that night). Hitting play on a youtube video is something I do countless times a day with very little reaction.

You would think that an adorable baby singing would be like kryptonite to a sarcastic and jaded east coaster, the opposite is true though. Inside every one of us is a weepy, crying fool just waiting to get out so we can make fun of ourselves.

Watch this, it will take you to a place of innocence, new beginnings, possibility and joy. If not at least it's a cute baby singing. If you get nothing out of it check for a pulse.

Hazy, lazy and crazy.

No, those aren't the names of my ex friends, although it does fit. This is how I feel lately, hazy due to a ridiculously high pollen count, crazy due to trying to be all things to all people (and D's relentless schedule) and lazy because, honestly, I just don't feel like doing much of anything. I believe the last one is a direct result of the first two.

I vowed to blog more often and I just can't seem to catch up. I have many of them started, but once they go in the draft file, they rarely come out. I still have old ones from last year in there. Some of them written from the heart and some out of anger. They were posts meant for the above mentioned ex friends (who for some reason still find my life interesting) I won't give them the satisfaction of seeing those. I have no anger now, in fact reading the drafts made me laugh. I imagined the conversations that would have followed. More "I can't believe she wrote that" kind of stuff. It's all true too, but sociopaths never accurately remember their own actions.

I've been thinking of Steve a lot, still shocked that someone I know is no longer here. It seems unreal, especially when I can still go to his Facebook page and see his smiling face. His funeral is on Friday, I'll be seeing a bunch of old friends and colleagues. It will be nice to catch up with old friends, none of us are happy as to the reason we are all getting together. I've had conversations with people I have not seen in years. It always feels good to hear voices from the past. Lately I've been thinking of all the people I don't speak with anymore, old friends or family members that are not present in my life. I've made a huge effort to reach out to the ones I've been putting off.

I thought a lot about the family members I no longer speak with, am I OK with things as they are? If I get a call with tragic news will I feel regret and remorse? I went through the rolodex in my head and imagined the dialogue of the phone calls. I was surprised to find that I was indeed OK with my decision. Of course actual mileage may vary but deep down I know that my decisions are just. I did the same with friends. While Facebook has put me in touch with almost everyone I have ever known there are a few old buddies out there that I would love to find. Hearing that they are no longer with us with be sad. as for the friends I no longer have, I would probably be saddened to hear any bad news but nothing would change regarding my feelings now. While I would hate for anything bad to happen to anyone, I stand by all my decisions.

I do feel bad about slacking on this page. My BFF has started hers up again, hopefully this will inspire me to write more. While this blog was cathartic for me for so long, my Facebook page has taken over and accomplishes that daily. Plus I am safe from stalkers. No J, you are not a stalker, I know what you do!!

I deleted most of the old posts, let all that anger, albeit clever anger, drift off into cyberspace.

I'm hoping that the recent rain has washed away haze, I can live with lazy and crazy.it's what makes me fun.

A Lack of Color

Sorry for the stream of consciousness, all the thoughts swirling around my head need an exit. They are uncooperative and coming out in no particular order.

This is how I feel today. D and I lost a friend yesterday completely unexpected and hard to fathom. An avid astronomer, fabulous drummer and fellow Jet fan. Also a wonderful husband and father. When you hear news like this the world stops for a moment, but maybe it's longer than that. It then starts again but everything is in slow motion. It stays that way for a while then you sleep. The dreams don't help, they are confusing. Did something happen? No everyone is fine. Waking up in a state of confusion praying that was a dream. It wasn't.

Knowing a friend is hurting and unable to make it better leaves you feeling helpless and afraid. These are good people. No, these are great people. Bad things shouldn't happen to great people, not like this.

I was going to post on his wall about Peyton Manning possibly going to the Jets. I didn't. Why didn't I? I want to go back in time. I want to tell them what's about to happen. I want to stop time to stop death. To make everyone happy again.

Then I think of D. He's been working late every night and most weekends trying to meet yet another impossible deadline. I am supportive, this is a wonderful project but I miss him. Now I think of him driving home late and tired. What if something happens to him?

My friend B is now a widow. Strong, confident, conqueror of all things, B has lost her someone. Her support team is strong though. Her family and friends have rallied and are setting up meal deliveries, funds for her young son and around the clock company. This happens when you are great.

When someone you know dies you question mortality. I'm not so concerned about my own, just those around me. If something happened to D I would fall apart. I am not great, I am not a conqueror, I am average at best. I put on a good front but I am not complete without D and K.

Thoughts of bad things pop into my head often (another wonderful side effect of OCD) but I have learned to quell them with logic. The sirens I hear are not headed to K's school, logically I know this. Actually I know this because there would be a phone call.

When confronted by death quelling is not possible. Death is not logical or actual. It is final. There are no shades of gray. There is nothing.

That's not true.

There is something. There is me. Average, upset and desperate to help. I offer myself and become part of the team. Phone calls are made, emails are sent, friends reconnect. Photos and stories are shared on Steve's Facebook page. We are all in shock by this but are now together being strong for B and her young son. Average me, making plans to deliver food and information to other friends.

This isn't about me.

This is also where I lost most of this post. I will go on but not duplicate what I wrote because it came from the heart and my heart is working independently from my brain today.

All around Los Angeles people are wondering what they can do to help, to make the next few weeks a little easier for a friend. She has no idea this is happening. She is home with her son waiting to wake up from this terrible dream. She is now in slow motion and we are all around her conjuring up funny memories of her Steve, filling the universe with happy memories that find their way to her head when it has time to clear.

I need to look for pictures, I have a great one of him giving the finger to my camera after our beloved Jets lost to D's Patriots. I see a color.

Green

I remember their wedding and the way she looked at him. I see another color.

Red


I think of the first time I met their son and his beautiful head of blond hair. I see a color.

Yellow

I think of the stories she told me after they went camping in the hopes of seeing something astronomy related. I see a color.

Purple

I think of many things and see years of happy memories, in every shade and color possible. We are here, keeping these colors for her. Keeping them safe for when she needs them. For their son who will grow up seeing his father in the vivid colors we will paint for him.

There is no lack of color here. There is life, there is love and there is us. Only there is one less of us now. I cannot go back and send that email. I cannot go back and stop time. I cannot change anything. I can merely hold on to these memories and keep our friend alive in my heart and soul.

“In our life there is a single color, as on an artist's palette, which provides the meaning of life and art. It is the color of love.”

We have that in abundance.

Introducing...

Currently making me cry. I'd have another baby just to do this. Don't tell D!

CLOSE YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT NOW!!!

Pure genius!!

Hand jobs

Samsung Galaxy Note - Meet the Note

Look at K's Samsung commercial!! She was hired as a hand model and had a fabulous day learning the very technical side of hand modeling. She loved it and was amazing! So much so that her agency has opened a special division just for her and will now send her out on these very detailed jobs.

Finally a job I can share. It aired during the Oscars so over a billion people have now seen my little girls beautiful hands.

Band of Horses - Is There a Ghost (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

D was singing this today when we came home from our Oscar Party, I forgot why but lately strange things have been happening. Light bulbs are popping like crazy, toys are moving and I could swear that someone was pushing against my door the other night. Whatever is going is not freaking me out but making me think about the forces of energy and other things out of our world. Coincidence or spirit I find it fascinating.

Enjoy the song and hope that nothing wicked this way comes!