Backed up

No, not that way, even I don't write about that. I meant I have a ton of stuff to write about but no time. I have a family member in town (that should be good for future writing) and K has been busy with all her extra curricular activities. I am in the middle of writing about 4 different things like how my dental hygienist is the best therapist, how giving up something you once cherished isn't that bad and about my search for friends, specifically how I used a want ad to find a bestie. I think I even wrote about that before. I'll check. It worked out for me years ago and I'm wondering if it will again. I'm looking for something very specific this time. I adore the one I found last time, I should probably get her input.

This time I will give each applicant a test to avoid any drama. I'm sure it might offend some so I apologize in advance. Basically I'm looking for a guy like Will in that show "Will & Grace" (even though I didn't really watch it) except I'd love it if he had a kid. If you know anyone that fits that description please send him my way!!

So anyway, I'm off now to entertain my visiting mom, K is in school and it's about to rain.

I see another post to add to the pile!!

Happy Birthday Mom!

Currently Spinning

Who's watching you?

Real Anti-Social Networking!

I found this last week while searching for something and I had to immediately put it on my Facebook page. While I am guilty of a few of the things below I cannot be labeled as any one type. I am a true social networker, I share things that I like, and I post my opinion on a variety of topics. Those who don't like what I say are welcome to defriend me, block me or simply hide my posts. For the most part I receive positive feedback on my page. I also like to comment on friend's posts. It's fun and a great way to keep up with friends and family without spending all day on the phone or in the car. I did vow to spend more time actually socializing face to face and I'm doing really well in that department. After "all the drama" I was free to spend my time with other shiny, happy people. That even inspired me to get rid of a few lurkers on Facebook, I mean I don't mind if you come to the party and keep to the ones you know, but if you come and sit in the corner just to listen to everyone's conversations, well then it's time to leave.

I guess it's the same thing around here. If you like what I write, then stick around and enjoy yourself. If you don't, click next blog (above) and Blogger will be happy to find you alternative reading solutions. I write mostly what I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes I go to the past, sometimes I discuss my marriage, lots of times I talk about the things K and I are off doing with her modeling and acting, sometimes I just gush over how much I adore her. I also like to post songs or other cool things I have found on the internet. I will admit that I do some of this out of laziness since I don't always have something to say (OK, that's not exactly true, I always have something to say, sometimes I am just not in the mood).

I write for me and sometimes for D and K, who both like to read about themselves. I have no hidden agenda and I am not sending out secret messages to people (as I have recently been accused of doing). I write to work out the issues in my head and to share what I've learned with anyone willing to listen. I write to document the journey and then look back at the progress. I am not hiding behind a computer screen or Facebook page. I enjoy sharing online as well as in person. I think I've found a balance to make them both work for me.

To my readers I say enjoy the ride, sometimes it's bumpy, sometimes it's smooth but it's always real and I will do my best to keep you entertained. To people ending up by accident I say hello and welcome! Check me out and stick around if it pleases you! To my accusers I say move on, there's nothing here for you anymore.

To all I say please enjoy this article taken from CNN, it's hilarious!

CNN) -- Facebook, for better or worse, is like being at a big party with all your friends, family, acquaintances and co-workers.
Facebook can be a great tool, and an occasional annoyance. What kind of Facebooker are you?

Facebook can be a great tool, and an occasional annoyance. What kind of Facebooker are you?

There are lots of fun, interesting people you're happy to talk to when they stroll up. Then there are the other people, the ones who make you cringe when you see them coming. This article is about those people.

Sure, Facebook can be a great tool for keeping up with folks who are important to you. Take the status update, the 160-character message that users post in response to the question, "What's on your mind?" An artful, witty or newsy status update is a pleasure -- a real-time, tiny window into a friend's life.

But far more posts read like navel-gazing diary entries, or worse, spam. A recent study categorized 40 percent of Twitter tweets as "pointless babble," and it wouldn't be surprising if updates on Facebook, still a fast-growing social network, break down in a similar way.

Combine dull status updates with shameless self-promoters, "friend-padders" and that friend of a friend who sends you quizzes every day, and Facebook becomes a daily reminder of why some people can get on your nerves.

Here are 12 of the most annoying types of Facebook users:

The Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day Bore. "I'm waking up." "I had Wheaties for breakfast." "I'm bored at work." "I'm stuck in traffic." You're kidding! How fascinating! No moment is too mundane for some people to broadcast unsolicited to the world. Just because you have 432 Facebook friends doesn't mean we all want to know when you're waiting for the bus.

The Self-Promoter. OK, so we've probably all posted at least once about some achievement. And sure, maybe your friends really do want to read the fascinating article you wrote about beet farming. But when almost EVERY update is a link to your blog, your poetry reading, your 10k results or your art show, you sound like a bragger or a self-centered careerist.

The Friend-Padder. The average Facebook user has 120 friends on the site. Schmoozers and social butterflies -- you know, the ones who make lifelong pals on the subway -- might reasonably have 300 or 400. But 1,000 "friends?" Unless you're George Clooney or just won the lottery, no one has that many. That's just showing off.

The Town Crier. "Michael Jackson is dead!!!" You heard it from me first! Me, and the 213,000 other people who all saw it on TMZ. These Matt Drudge wannabes are the reason many of us learn of breaking news not from TV or news sites but from online social networks. In their rush to trumpet the news, these people also spread rumors, half-truths and innuendo. No, Jeff Goldblum did not plunge to his death from a New Zealand cliff.

The TMIer. "Brad is heading to Walgreens to buy something for these pesky hemorrhoids." Boundaries of privacy and decorum don't seem to exist for these too-much-information updaters, who unabashedly offer up details about their sex lives, marital troubles and bodily functions. Thanks for sharing.

The Bad Grammarian. "So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippe". Yes, I know the punctuation rules are different in the digital world. And, no, no one likes a spelling-Nazi schoolmarm. But you sound like a moron.

The Sympathy-Baiter. "Barbara is feeling sad today." "Man, am I glad that's over." "Jim could really use some good news about now." Like anglers hunting for fish, these sad sacks cast out their hooks -- baited with vague tales of woe -- in the hopes of landing concerned responses. Genuine bad news is one thing, but these manipulative posts are just pleas for attention.

The Lurker. The Peeping Toms of Facebook, these voyeurs are too cautious, or maybe too lazy, to update their status or write on your wall. But once in a while, you'll be talking to them and they'll mention something you posted, so you know they're on your page, hiding in the shadows. It's just a little creepy.

The Crank. These curmudgeons, like the trolls who spew hate in blog comments, never met something they couldn't complain about. "Carl isn't really that impressed with idiots who don't realize how idiotic they are." [Actual status update.] Keep spreading the love.

The Paparazzo. Ever visit your Facebook page and discover that someone's posted a photo of you from last weekend's party -- a photo you didn't authorize and haven't even seen? You'd really rather not have to explain to your mom why you were leering like a drunken hyena and French-kissing a bottle of Jagermeister.

The Obscurist. "If not now then when?" "You'll see..." "Grist for the mill." "John is, small world." "Dave thought he was immune, but no. No, he is not." [Actual status updates, all.] Sorry, but you're not being mysterious -- just nonsensical.
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The Chronic Inviter. "Support my cause. Sign my petition. Play Mafia Wars with me. Which 'Star Trek' character are you? Here are the 'Top 5 cars I have personally owned.' Here are '25 Things About Me.' Here's a drink. What drink are you? We're related! I took the 'What President Are You?' quiz and found out I'm Millard Fillmore! What president are you?"

You probably mean well, but stop. Just stop. I don't care what president I am -- can't we simply be friends? Now excuse me while I go post the link to this story on my Facebook page.

Mr. Brightside

Just because this video is so cool. Besides the girl reminds me of K (in a decade or 2). I'm out enjoying the day off with my two favorite people but I wanted to share this because it's totally a Killers kind of day.

Happy stalking!

You've been chosen as an extra in the movie adaptation of the sequel to your life.

I love this band much to the annoyance of my husband (whose fondness for 80s hair bands equally annoys me). I find comfort in the lyrics and music, I always have. The first time I heard Pavement it felt like home. I suppose that makes sense since home was a dysfunctional place for me. I thought of this song today and felt like sharing. I was going to write more about "all the drama" sine I alluded to it my last entry but I'm just not in the mood for that kind of dysfunction right now.

I've enjoyed a lovely weekend with the loves of my life and ruining that with nonsense makes no sense.

So enjoy this song from Pavement, it's sort of like opera. It's not for everyone, either you love it or you hate it. No in between here.

Oh yeah, I love opera too.

Free to be you and me

Total random stuff off the top of my head. I was thinking out loud and wrote it down:

I'm totally dating myself with this. As a kid I was obsessed with this record and book. It's one of the happier childhood memories that I have. Last year at the book fair I bought a newer version for K who loves it as well. I'm not going to write about Marlo Thomas or her project. I'm not sure what I 'm going to write about but earlier this title popped into my head so I'm going with it.

It may or may not have to do with "all the drama" and the fact that the last real link to one of the performers has been severed. Finally. Thanks to Facebook we were virtually connected, while I had cut all ties defriending seemed like a childish thing to do. Thankfully, I am not above being childish. In a strange coincidence this person removed their profile from Facebook altogether. Another name added to my block list and now I'm done. With the exception of friend-of-a-friend status all ties to negativity are now broken. I made this friend of a friend promise to keep my name out of it since I am no longer involved in any aspect of this now former friend's life. Their friendship is no longer my business or my concern.

Although I learned a lot about people and their dirty little secrets, I also learned that when someone tells you that you can trust them, run. They're full of it. When you notice a red flag but justify it because you like the person, think again. Red flags are raised for a reason. D and I have gone back a few years and compared red flags, we were either blind, hypnotized or under the influence. Regardless of the cause we missed about a thousand of them. Thinking back, knowing what I know now I have figured out exactly what went on and it makes me sad. Sad to know that I was never really a friend but a pawn in a game that I didn't even know I was playing.

I guess the point here is to trust your instincts, it's OK if you get a bad feeling about someone you consider a friend. It's OK to get yourself out of a bad situation regardless of the circumstance. It's OK to put yourself first rather than hurt someone's feelings. They say all's fair in love and war but they never say anything about friendships. I'm here to tell you to free yourself. Don't accept bad behavior just because it comes from a friend. Don't second guess an uncomfortable feeling because you feel sorry for someone, don't forgive bad (or psychotic) behavior because you know where it's coming from. Chances are you don't.

Free yourself from the sins of other people's past and worry about yourself.

All the mistakes I make arise from forsaking my own station and trying to see the object from another person's point of view. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Goodbye Uncle Leo

I never really like popular television. When I was a kid I would watch "Happy Days" and shows like it just to be in on the conversations the next day. This didn't change as an adult. I hated "Friends" but watched it because (sadly) it was relevant. Even Seinfeld was annoying to me. I lived in New York and while I appreciated the characters the ridiculous sitcom predicaments got annoying week after week. The one bright spot on Seinfeld was Uncle Leo played brilliantly by Len Lesser a veteran of television and film. His impressive resume includes film classics like "Kelly's Hereos" and "Papillon." For me, the only reason to tune in every Thursday was the hope that Jerry would see his Uncle Leo. He never disappointed.

Anyway Uncle Leo, sorry, Len Lesser, passed away yesterday. Please enjoy this clip from the best Seinfeld episode ever.

Love and kisses

I think I wrote a few rants last year regarding my feelings for the "holiday" known as Valentines Day:

Rant 1:
Rant 2:

Crap, I just read last years rants and I forgot I was going to have us give blood this year on Valentine's Day. I'll try to get that done this weekend, convincing D will be next to impossible but it's worth a try. My feelings for this holiday haven't changed too much, I think honoring love is something that should be observed every day and not just once a year because a few billion dollar industries tell us we should. I do see part of it for the other side: sometimes you might need a gentle reminder, a romantic kick in the pants, if you will. It starts young too, for the third year in a row I sat with K as we made 20-something Valentines for all her classmates. Bringing them was optional, bringing them for a select few was not. That kind of pissed me off but that's a rant for another day.

So now it's Valentines Day again again and although I still don't understand the rush to run out and spend lots of money on cards that will get thrown away and flowers that are grown specifically for this day (and come with a higher pricetag.) Sure I went out and bought cards for K to send to the grandparents, they seem to love that shit. In the morning I realized that I had forgotten to do anything for K and D. It probably was about 60% absentmindedness and 40% stubbornness though. Regardless of how I feel I know that they both enjoy holidays of any kind and went out to find a gift or two. For D I went with booze, nothing says I love you more than a man's favorite bourbon, I threw in some chocolate too, just for fun. For K I broke my own rule and found a really cute bear with a heart, which also came with candy. It was irony at it's finest moment but it was cute and soft and I knew she would love it. I ran back home to write and wrap, while I was trying to do ten things at once someone knocked on my door. No one except Fedex and UPS knocks on my door during the day and I had a feeling I was about to get angry. I open the door to a giant box with my name on it. As the blood started to boil I ripped the box open, the only thing worse that overpriced Valentine's Day flowers are dead overpriced Valentine's flowers, I had no choice but to open immediately and put them in water. Then I saw the card. Clever boy that D is, he sent the flowers to me and K, how could I get mad at that? He also send chocolate and the girlie spa stuff I like to collect. Plus he sent tulips, my favorite. I felt like the Grinch as my heart melted and grew three sizes larger. My man received a very clever and loving thank you text (I bothered him enough already!) Then I checked Facebook to find a video on my page: a poem written and recited by K and edited by D. I just sat there crying and shaking my head, this day was getting to me!!

It was also a half day so I didn't have much time, I rushed back to school and fetched K who emerged from her classroom armed with a giant bag full of candy. The huge smile om her face squashed any comment that was about fly out of my mouth. Instead of the usual mom-warning: "no candy!!!" I did the opposite, I took her out for cupcakes. She didn't see that one coming. We enjoyed ridiculously delicious treats made with love by Yummy Cupcakes and brought some home for D who even though claims he's not a fan, inhaled his sweet treat in seconds.

It had also been decided that we would go out to dinner. My only stipulation was that we don't go to a place with a special Valentine's Day dinner. Nothing creeps me out more than a sea of couples, many of whom have been forced there against their will. We settled on a favorite Japanese place but the LA traffic had other ideas. Traveling anywhere was impossible, we ended up stopping at a place that we have passed no less than a million times and never gave a second look. It was open, there was parking and if they knew what was good for them they had sake. Surprisingly we had a wonderful dinner. The food was great, the sake flowed and for dessert: fried ice cream, my absolute all time favorite thing. All in all a perfect dinner. On the way out we were given a perfectly wrapped red rose and chocolate. Even the most jaded of individuals would have to appreciate the serendipitous meal we just enjoyed, and yes, I'm talking about myself here.

I'm not sure if I'm getting sentimental in my age, it might just be another side effect of "all the drama". Whatever the case it was a nice day.

A nice day with candy, flowers and stuffed bears.

Oh my.

Freedom 2011

Apropos for today I guess. Congratulations to the people of Egypt who proved that things can get done when you stick together. It's going to be a long hard road ahead. I hope they look to today's Berlin for the example of what is possible.

Oh K!

Photo by Adam Hendershott


I love the Lisbeth Salander books by Stieg Larsson. I'm not going to write about them here, I'm going to borrow a term from the books. In describing Salander's troubled past Larsson calls the breaking point of her childhood "all the evil." It's something mentioned many times in the first two books, towards the end of the second book we learn exactly what the "evil" was. For the sake of ease, I am lifting the phrase and changing it a little. While I have alluded to the recent dramatic events in my life I have not gone into detail about it. That's not going to change because a)I'm sick to death of it, b)I'm so over it and c)I'm saving it for the screenplay. From now on those recent events will be known as "all the drama." So let it be written!

So I know I also said I wasn't going to mention it again but there's one part of it that's still swirling around in my brain. I'm going to mesh it with another idea I've been meaning to put on paper (or whatever it is I do) for a while. A love letter of sorts to my little girl.

Yes, another one.

The denouement of "all the drama" was a phone call D received, while I was not on that call I was privy to the message that preceded it. It was not pretty. Apparently the phone call was worse: a steady stream of anger induced insults and accusations ranging from the bizarre to the downright ridiculous. The culmination of the diatribe was a fear this person had for K, and how they felt sorry for her because she would have to grow up around D and I, apparently we are horribly appalling people.

So I offer you this horrible glimpse of the kind life my beautiful K has:

Please feel bad for my daughter, she has never been away from her parents for longer than 18 hours because they cannot bear to be away from her.

Please feel bad for my daughter who has gone to sleep every night of her life listening to her dads voice as he reads to her.

Please feel bad for my daughter who has never once been picked up from school by anyone but her parents. Playdates don't count because they require a parental pick up as well.

Please feel bad for my daughter who has seen at least one parent in the audience at every school event, dance recital, karate belting, speech giving, art show and anything else a child of her age has had.

Please feel bad for my child who is almost always the exception to the "no kids" rule because she is so amazing.

Please feel bad for my child who loves and adores everyone and never has a bad thing to say about a soul.

Please feel bad for my child who cannot walk through our local supermarket without greeting by name every employee and receiving hugs from those employees.

Please feel bad for my kid whose smile lights up a room and all of it's occupants.

Please feel bad for my child who at 7 is already an advocate for equal rights.

Please feel bad for my child who willingly parts with possessions knowing that they might make another person happy. Please also feel bad for my child who gets joy from seeing that happiness.

Please feel bad for my child who sees the beauty in everyone.

Please feel bad for my daughter who is the first person to run to the aid of anyone who is injured, sick or just not in a good mood.

Please feel bad for my daughter who has drawn a picture or made some kind of art project for every person she knows to let them know she was thinking about them.

Please feel bad for my child who would do anything to make you smile.

Please feel bad for my child who cannot stand to see anyone cry and will automatically cry out of empathy.

Please everyone, feel bad for my poor little girl who has been raised to exude compassion and acceptance, to seek the beauty in all things and to bring out the best in all people. Please worry about her future and what wonderful things she will learn growing up in a house with such horrible parents.

I weep for the future of anyone who does not get to share in all the wonderful things my little girl has to offer.

That would be horrible and appalling.

WTF? THX AT&T

AT&T Don't Text While Driving Documentary

I am the texting queen, a master of multitasking and a social media addict. I am a lot of things (some good, some bad) but I am not someone who texts while driving. I understand sometimes we think things are so important a second or two isn't going to hurt anyone. We are wrong in thinking that way. Nothing is that important. No bit of information, gossip, love or whatever you have going on is worth a life. Ever.

A few months ago I was in the car with K, we were stopped at a red light in the right lane. In the rearview I see a car coming up on my left and it's not stopping, the car blows through the light slow enough for us to see he was looking down at his lap. The light changes and we catch up to him, still texting!! K had my phone and got a picture of the car. When we got home I was furious but had no idea what to do. I posted something on a local message board but was vague and got no help there.

It really shook me up because I cannot control a thing about this situation. I can only do the right thing and hope and pray others do as well. Videos like this will certainly help but they won't stop it, which is sad. The boy that luckily avoided an accident or worse is probably out there right now, driving through town oblivious to the parents and kids around him.

Please pass this on and get the message out. There is absolutely no reason to be texting and driving. Not one! Anything that important can wait or pull over. No one needs to die over a LOL, WTF or C u l8r.

Prince Liam the Brave

I was sad to hear this news earlier. Liam's story is a true tale of bravery, love and devotion. His parents are amazing people and will continue to honor their son by devoting their time to their charity, Cookies For Kids Cancer, which they set up after learning the devastating news of Liam's diagnosis when he was only 2.

The following article was taken from the New York Daily News:

Liam Witt, 6, inspired others in his cancer battle by providing a 'Bravest' example
By Joanna Molloy


When Liam Witt was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer at 33 months of age, his parents began calling him Prince Liam the Brave. After they moved Liam and his little sister Ella from New Jersey to New York to be closer to Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, firefighters down the block saw a kindred spirit.

The men of Ladder Co. 24 and Engine Co. 1 made Liam an official firefighter and even gave him an equipped locker inside their firehouse on W. 31st St. As Liam underwent surgeries and was treated with chemotherapy and radiation for four years, his irrepressible spirit inspired friends to help his parents, Gretchen and Larry, start the foundation Cookies for Kids' Cancer.

It has raised an astonishing $2.5 million for pediatric cancer research, mostly from small bake sales and the charity's online cookie orders. "He never became 'that sick kid,'" said Fraya Berg, a family friend. "He never lost himself in the disease. He was just a kid who was sick." "He loved riding his beloved orange scooter through the streets of New York, even after a day of treatments at the hospital," added another friend. "He loved to bake cakes so he could decorate them. He loved Valentine's Day because he always loved telling people he loved them. He did that every day."

His parents tried to make a game out of the many hospital procedures he would undergo to treat his neuroblastoma, a cancer that attacks nerve cells. They would play pretend. "If he was getting an MRI, it was 'getting his picture taken,'" added Berg. Needles for blood tests were like car engine checks for oil.

The Witts kept an online diary, PrinceLiamtheBrave.blogspot.com. On Aug. 26, Larry Witt wrote: "Liam continues to accept whatever comes at him each and every day. ... I hear more complaining from adults about the weather, their jobs, their co-workers, family members and acquaintances in the course of a week than I have heard from Liam in four full years."

Liam took a turn for the worse, and he was unable to attend a concert given by Jack Johnson, whose music he loved - especially the song "Talk of the Town" with its images of the sun and the beach, and the line "the clouds give back every time they cry." Johnson made a special video of the tune just for Liam to help him fall asleep.

Two weeks ago, little Liam lost his battle, dying peacefully in his parents' arms. He was 6 years old.

"Our dearest Prince could simply fight no more," his parents wrote. "His enemy had grown in size and strength."

So has Liam's army. On Valentine's Day, Liam will get a firefighter's honors at his memorial service at St. Francis of Assisi Church across from the fire station where his little helmet and coat proudly hung yesterday.

"Every guy in the firehouse will be there," said union rep Matt Parrott. "The guys who will be off duty are coming in. We'll all be wearing our [dress] uniforms and we're going to line up and salute."

Actress Joan Cusack has volunteered to be spokeswoman for Cookies for Kids' Cancer.

The Witts are more determined than ever to raise money for the appallingly underfunded field of pediatric cancer research - the National Cancer Institute gives just 4% of its grants to children's cancer research.

You wonder where the Witts find their strength. And then you read another journal entry posted by Liam's father.

"Liam's almost daily display of bravery, strength and perseverance is really unbelievable when you think about the fact that he is just a 6-year-old little boy. He continues to inspire us."

Yes, he does.

Super Weekend

Lots went on this weekend! Hmmmm, where do I start? I picked up K Friday afternoon and she didn't seem her usual treat-ready self. In fact, half way through her root beer float she decided she was done with it. I knew there was a problem. Her runny nose was turning into something worse. We came home immediately went to sleep, she had so many fun things planned, missing them would be terrible. Lucky for me, my child can rally like nobody's business and by Saturday morning she was up and begging to go to her sleep-over. We kept it low key so she would be well rested for the big evening, I knew that a sleep over with her oldest friend would mean cupcakes, movies and very little sleep. I also knew that if she got worse the weekend would be spent on the couch, which would not be fun at all.

No date night
No sleeping in
No Superbowl party
No fun

By 5PM K was bouncing off walls ready to go and couldn't wait for me to drop her off. I barely said goodbye to her before she rushed off, hand in hand, with her very first friend. It didn't even matter that they hadn't seen each other in months or that their mothers had just come out of a soap opera-like drama of epic proportions. They were kids with an excuse to eat cupcakes and stay up all night. Cold? What cold? I said my goodbyes to my friend and wished her luck. Then I took off before she changed her mind.

D and I found ourselves alone for the first time in a while. It was a different kind of alone: no stress, no anger, no issues, no expectations, just us. We were grinning at each other like a couple of idiots. Then we enjoyed one of "those" nights, you know the kind where every moment is effortless? Where accidental touches turn into Levitra or Cialis commercials? When we woke up I didn't run out the door to pick up my daughter, I stayed in bed with my husband and enjoyed the morning. The talk wasn't about K or the Superbowl, or about our recent drama, it wasn't about anything really. It just was.

It was perfect.

Topping off this perfect day was a Superbowl party with old friends. We've been sharing this "holiday" with the same group of people forever. What was once a room full of drunk adults yelling at the big screen was now a house full of kids playing, friends laughing and reminiscing. New memories were being created while the game, once the focal point for previous get-togethers, played in the background (that doesn't mean we didn't watch it though, come on, it's the LAST game of the season!)

It felt good to simply enjoy a weekend and it's participants, I feel like it's been so long since I've done that.

It really was a super weekend. Congratulations to the Green Bay Packers who brought the Lombardi trophy back home, exactly where it belongs.

Just like me. (Cheesy comment for the Packer fans out there)

Just cause

Bob Dylan - Just Like A Woman /1966

Life 101

While wasting time on Facebook this morning I came across this on a friend's page. It's titled "Every Teenager Should See This" and I agree but it shouldn't stop there. Every person can benefit from the words of advice written here. All too often we get caught up in our bullshit and need a gentle nudge or in some cases (like mine) a push off the cliff back to the sea of reality. It's so easy to lose sight of what's important, the problem is once it slips away many of us are too lazy to go and fetch it. I recently did a lot of fetching and I can tell you it was worth all the work.

Go back to the basics and pay attention to the words we've all heard and ignored. They are reminiscent of the lessons my grandmother tried to teach me when I was young and stupid. This time I'm following it all.

I'd hate to be old and stupid.

Wide Eyes

While I'm working on the weekend recap I wanted to put this song up for you. Local Natives has been a new fave of mine for a while and is currently at the top of my playlist. Just wanted to share because they rule.

Happy Monday and congratulations to the Green Bay Packers who won the yawner of all Superbowls yesterday. I also want to congratulate Christina Aguilera and The Black Eyed Peas on their incredible comedic performances, thanks for the laughs!!

little hands, big heart

i was saying goodnight to k a few nights ago when she grabbed my hand, she wasn't ready for me to leave yet. she wrapped her little fingers around mine and held on tight. resisting this is useless and she knows it. i stayed with her until she was asleep looking at her hands the whole time. they've grown so from the tiny little things that held my attention for hours when she was a baby. in fact it's getting harder and harder to even remember those moments, i am thankful for the thousands of pictures I have.

seeing her tiny hands for the first time reminded me of an e.e. cummings poem i read when i was a kid. at the time i had no idea what he was writing about, i just thought it was cool that he didn't use correct grammar, punctuation or capital letters. i was an early reader and ripped through anything i could get my hands and eyes on, regardless of the content. i have no idea where the poetry book came from but i remember this poem well. "not even the rain, has such small hands" as a kid i thought for sure that this poem was about a kid, made sense enough at the time. i remember coming back to it later, as an adult, and finding a completely different meaning in it. i was a little bummed, it was so much sweeter when i thought it was about little kid hands.

anyway, i was reminded of this poem recently and wanted to share it with her, i figured i might as well as well share it here. regardless of the meaning you come away with after reading, it remains, to this day, one of my all time favorites:


somewhere i have never travelled
ee cummings

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

I love this movie. I've loved this movie since the first time I saw it 23 years ago (crap, I'm old). It's one of those movies that will guarantee a good cry out of me. Often I go back to it but not because I have a thing for Kevin Bacon. I realize that there are a few movies that do this to me: "It's a Wonderful Life," "Breakfast at Tiffany's," and pretty much anything from Pixar. I always found this strange since I cannot cry when faced with real life emotional issues. Although I did break down last week to a friend upon hearing a ridiculous fabrication of something that I was accused of saying. It was so absurd I started to laugh, then I just got mad and then I broke down. Why would anyone go to such lengths to make up something that was seriously so stupid? I ended up on the floor asking "why? why? why?" I will admit that I felt better after that.

I've been doing a huge amount of soul searching and learning lately and I keep coming back to Kevin Bacon. In this movie ("She's Having A Baby") he goes through his issues and in the end is faced with his self-realization. Pretty much like all movies, I guess. What sets this one apart is not so much the lesson he learns about himself but how he explains it.

I know the lesson well. I've tried my whole life to be all things to all people. Not because it gives me a better sense of being or the satisfaction of helping others. I've been trying to hide who and what I was. I wasn't hiding from those around me, I was hiding from myself. Sure, I've had epiphanies here before but coming out of this drama has brought it all out and what I've learned is huge. I've been struggling to find the words to explain it and I keep coming back to Kevin Bacon, or at least the words he uses to describe this revelation. It's funny because I know this monologue by heart. Not just because that's something I do with all movies but because this one always resonated with me. I realize that the reason I cry when I think about it is because I've been waiting my whole life to learn this lesson.

It's also why I cry at the end of "It's A Wonderful Life" I've seen this movie literally hundreds of times. I know it by heart and I know what's coming. I now know that I cry because it means another year has passed and I still have not gotten to that place inside, that place I've been trying to find for years.

I don't want to put it in my own words because I think the late John Hughes said it so perfectly. I'm going to flat out take it because it's been in my head so long it actually feels like mine. If you watch the clip this takes place at the very end.

and in the end,
I realized that I took more than I gave,
I was trusted more than I trusted,
but I was loved
more than I loved
and what I was looking for was not to be found,
but to be made.

Drama Club

I hate drama. I really hate drama, seriously, look at the title of this blog. I strive for peace and love and shun bad feelings. I've been trying to do this my whole life. The issues with D and my MIL were drama but the kind of family drama that's inevitable and usually blows over.

Recently I found myself knee deep in it. Knee deep is actually being kind, I was buried in the shit-storm of all dramas, I just don't want to be dramatic about it. After spending the better part of two weeks getting to the bottom of it the last thing I want to do is discuss it again but I feel the need the closure.

So this is how I started the explanation, I know the story by heart, even with the recent additions. I've gone over it my head and had numerous conversations about it. What I realized is that there is no need to go there. It's done. It's over. The only place it needs to reside is in the mental journals of all involved. So I'm taking another route and will begin working on that tomorrow.

Anyone coming here looking for drama, please accept my apologies and enjoy this amazing song by the wonderful Mary J Blige who clearly knows what she's talking about:

Advanced calculus

I started writing about the recent drama in my life. It's such a deeply spun tale I'm honestly at a loss as how to do it without naming names, facts or other information that will relight the fire of anyone involved. Not that I care at this point.

What it came down to (and I'm not going to explain it here, just making a side note to an unfinished piece) was more than a he said/she said/they said kind of thing, all that is and always has been childish. It was the depths at which people went to to share the negativity. I will never in my life understand how or why someone would share things that may be hurtful for no gain whatsoever. I'm not saying that I'm innocent here. I've said things that were not nice but I assumed my venting or gossiping would stay "in the vault" because that's where I always kept it, I was wrong there. I've been trying to wrap my hands around other people's psyches which is pointless and always ends up in asking "why?" Then I think about when I try to explain something to K that she doesn't quite grasp, I get the same bewildered look from her beautiful baby blues when she asks "why?"

Talking this over with Dr. Phil last week he said trying to understand the way other people think was like handing someone a calculus textbook and expecting them to read it. I think it was more like giving a preschooler an advanced calculus test and expecting a perfect grade.

I quoted Bob Marley earlier and I'm standing by his words. I am emancipating myself from mental slavery. I am moving on and looking forward. I own my mistakes and flaws, they do not own me. I am taking this philosophy and using it in every aspect of my life. The funny thing is I didn't even realize this was happening. Things that used to make me angry are barely noticeable anymore. Any anger I was harboring is gone. I'm not sure if this is a temporary thing but I will try my best to keep it with me forever because it feels so good.

While I did lose a lot these past few weeks, I also gained a part of myself that I always knew I had, just was unsure of how to get it out. I've always been a deeply private person, keeping it all in, knowing that my "secrets" were out there has always been my biggest fear, somehow now, knowing that they are indeed out there doesn't bother me as much as I thought. That was the original purpose of this blog which I started exactly one year ago yesterday. The rapid weight loss might not have been the best thing for me but it's exactly where I needed to be. When you try to see the good in the bad it shines a whole new light on things.

As for the math, I could probably read up on my advanced calc and do well on the test but why bother. I already have the answers.

"Don't worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright"