Too many mental tabs open today.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I'm all over the place today. It may be lack of sleep, with lots of reasons: D came home last night and went to help a neighbor with editing geek stuff until 12:30, K kept getting up and trying to come in our bed, a 4.4 earthquake at 4AM and it was garbage day. My head is full of incomplete sentences and random thoughts, this may be just a whole mess of them. That's cool, way better than whining about politics or my mother-in-law riiiight?

Usually D takes K to school which gives me time in the morning to get ready, reply to emails and spend some time on Facebook, my favorite place to hang out. I'm not sure when Facebook went from site I frequented to full on obsession but I love it. I love being able to instantly connect with everyone I've known, with one click on the share button I can let my friends know what I'm thinking or what I'm doing, whether they like it or not. It's almost like getting a second chance to let the people I grew up with get to know who I am. I also get to see the kids I grew up with in a whole new light. It's comforting, familiar, educational and rewarding. Why wouldn't I spend so much time there? I have years to make up! I also get to keep in contact with good friends that have moved away. I get to see their kids grow up without leaving my living room, and continue ongoing (and start new) political discussions (Hi Kenny!). K has even gotten modeling jobs through my profile. I also cannot write without knowing that my friends are instantly available in the next window.

I don't play the games though, I did for a while but they held absolutely no interest for me. Clicking on Mafia Wars was not really rewarding, I liked YoVille but only because my YoVille me was so cute.

What else? I had to wash my car today and for some reason going to a regular car wash would be too easy. I like the self car wash. It's satisfying to watch the dirt and soap collect in circles and wash down the drain, it's fun to cover my car in heaps of foamy soap and blast it away with a power washer. The day I went into labor I self washed my car, and coincidentally the day I went into early labor I did the same thing. Interesting, I should follow up on that too, it's got to be better than that stupid place in the Valley with the salad that makes women go into labor (it doesn't). Maybe I like it because I hate to work out and I can get a full body workout? It's certainly not because of the stellar job I do, I mean the car is cleaner but still kind of dirty. I can now take it to the real car wash without being embarrassed. It's like my dad straightening up before his cleaning lady comes, he doesn't want her to think he has a dirty house. I wonder where I get it??

Homework: OK, K is in first grade, she gets a homework folder on Monday and it's due on Friday, usually we tackle it all on Monday and practice her spelling words during the week. Yesterday she had 2 auditions so we got to some of it, not all. Today we did some math, easy stuff for her, she read one of the problems and saw the answers then just randomly called out each answer. I explained to her how to get to the answer and she still called out all 4 choices. This went on for about ten minutes, then I got annoyed and she started yelling. This happens every time. I should know better and so should she. Since I am the adult I took control of the situation and brought us back to the problem, made her focus and she easily solved the problem. Sometimes I think she likes these moments and the sweetness that follows. She's usually loving and kind afterward. Today she was scary and I can swear I saw her head spin around. Apparently she shows her lack of sleep in different ways. She is currently sound asleep and has been for hours, she didn't even get up when A made a quick visit, that's how I know she was exhausted. Nothing makes K happier than a visitor. Except maybe a party, which as luck would have it we are attending on Saturday. The best thing about this party is it's a 40th and not a 4th, so lots of adults and booze instead of kids and juice boxes, probably the same amount of crying.

Which brings me to friends.

I've always had good friends, and I've always been a good friend. I've never fully appreciated what that meant though and that bothers me. I have missed out on something great for most of my life, but not anymore. Living away from family means that you come to rely on your friends. Me living away from my family meant that I came to rely on myself and never reached out in time of need. The past year has been a year of tremendous growth for me and I've learned to fully appreciate all that I have, including the friends with which I have surrounded myself. I am no longer afraid to ask things of them, not only because I would walk over hot coals for them but because it's OK to ask for help. There are things in my past that I have kept to myself and letting them out meant letting my friends into a place that I feared, a place that I thought would drive them away. It didn't. It brought me closer to them. I used to hate random phone calls and texts and now my iPhone is permanently attached to my ear and I have unlimited texting. I can talk for hours about everything and nothing and love it. A just stopped over to drop something of for me (thanks A!!) something that in the past would have made me uncomfortable but I now cherish and welcome. Opening up to A about the events of my childhood made me real to her, while she was always one to see through my tough exterior this vulnerability let her see me in a new light and instead of the usual shame, it felt good. When my friend L found out, I wasn't embarrassed, I was relieved. Could I have done this earlier? Maybe, but not to the extent I feel now. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

Which concludes with love.

Another thing that was missing for most my life. I wrote on this topic before. I missed out on a lot during my childhood, love is one of those things but my daughter is growing up in a loving home. She feels and gives love every day. D and I are working on getting back to a place of absolute love. Not really getting back though, we can't go back to the love we had before because we aren't the same people we were then. We can redefine love and hope to achieve it in it's purest form. Love grown from honesty, from sharing good and bad, from tears and laughter and especially from the mistakes we've made in the past and will no doubt make in the future. D and I both know that if you can learn a lesson it's not really a mistake. Which is good, we learn a lot in our house.

So these are the random things floating around my head today. The picture is from a collection of videos using songs by one of my favorite bands, Spoon. The character is called Keepon and K adores him. I played one of the CDs today and thought of it.



  1. (sorry, resposting and correcting mistakes. Not enough coffee this morning.)

    You know, I'm going through some pretty intense "character makeover" stuff with how I am at giving and receiving love in relationships w/men. It's an ongoing process but reading about you and D give me hope that I can get my head out of my a$$ once and for all. I still have problems asking for help but manage to squeak a request once in a while. Thanks for your randomness. I can begin my day at work now.

  2. a squeak is still a start and pretty much all I can push out, for now as well. It's a long journey and we learn every step of the way, but only if we let ourselves. I know that we will both get there, not only because we're the same but because we want. Keep fighting!!! I heart you girlfriend!!

    I can call you Kenny here right??