Too many mental tabs open today.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

There is nothing to fear but myself

Wednesday's are always interesting for us. Going to Dr. Phil usually brings something up to the surface that neither of us expected, but that's what makes it fun. Before we even stepped foot into the office we met and talked over lattes. D brought up that he felt melancholy after reading my last few blog entries. I was perplexed, I thought I had taken it to a place of positivity and look on my face showed just that. D said that he loves all the good stuff I was writing, he was happy that I was seeing him in a new and bright light. he was remorse over the feelings that I had before, the feelings that I referenced when writing about the past. He said that it's sucks that we had to go through that, that he should never have let this happen to us. I let him know that it was OK, that he can't go back and change what happened. He needed to look at it from a different perspective. Somewhere along the way we broke something that was precious to both of us, placing or taking blame wasn't going to change anything and will only keep it in the negative. I said we needed to break so we could put it back together, better and stronger than before. I compared us to a puzzle: some pieces were missing, a few fell off and some might never have been there in the first place. So what did we do? We took it apart and started to put it back together piece by piece. Taking what I read and seeing the past wasn't going to help.

We thought about the word melancholy and D changed it to bittersweet which would include the positive aspect, besides it sounds like chocolate, which is always good. We sat there for a few minutes, proud of the pre-therapy work we had done, and then it hit me: I had convinced him to draw out the positive aspects of my messages, to look at and see the future which is good and not the past, which was painful. OMG!! I immediately covered mouth and declared that I was officially dripping optimism, when did that happen? I was always holding a half empty glass and now it seems like that cup runneth over. I was caught somewhere between joy and disgust, surely they are going to take away my Jaded NYer card.

All that before our session even started!

When we got into Dr. Phil's office he asked us where we wanted to go with the session, I prefer a more organic type of therapy and told what we just discussed and we took it from there. For the first time in a very long time we did not bring up one fact, we discussed without accusation, we did not place blame we just flowed, organically.

Then Dr.Phil brought up fear. Specifically what was my fear in going forward. I thought about this one and really, for the first time in my life I honestly (at that point at least) had no fear. I know what he was asking and what he thought my fear might be. As I wrote last night, opening up to my friends was freeing, I wasn't just letting them in I was letting it all out. The thing I was afraid of most, was myself. Afraid of letting the vulnerability out, not only for the world to see but for me to see it as well. D has seen the real me, my friends have seen the real me, Dr. Phil has always seen the real me, and through this writing I have seen the real me. The tough exterior I have around me is of course for my own protection, and I don't think I will lose that. I am likening myself to a Sea Urchin, super tough and spiky on the outside, almost impossible to get inside, but if you know what's in there, worth the effort. Inside is soft and somewhat sweet, and not for everyone.

Just like me.

I talked a bit today about the Evil Stepfather story I wrote about earlier, something I had not discussed with Dr. Phil, he saw a little more of where I was coming from and asked if I was ready to deal with this all and put it behind me. I told him I would never have brought it out if it wasn't ready to be thrown away. He asked if it would help to bring out more and I really don't think so. I'm pretty realistic about things and do not see the need, this isn't denial either. I don't see the benefit of going down that road anymore.

So the answer to the fear question? Nothing, I'm not afraid of the past, I'm no longer afraid of myself and I'm certainly not afraid of the future, which actually looks bright. I'm certainly not afraid of anything my MIL decides to fling my way, the way I see it, she has two choices: She can either get with the program and realize that she cannot possibly rip us apart, or she can stay on the same road she's been on and keep throwing insults which will no longer be tolerated. It's pretty much a win for D and I, no matter which direction she chooses. Am I afraid more people will be able to crack my shell? Not really, it's still pretty tough and if anyone manages to get inside they must think it's worth the effort and will be rewarded with all I have to offer (that sounds conceited but it's coming from a deeper place).

What do I really fear? I don't want to spend time thinking about shit like that anymore. I'll worry about something when I need to worry about it. I'll worry about K driving when I'm at the DMV with her and I'll worry about my upcoming traffic court date when I'm in front of the judge. Actually I do fear really small spaces and really crowded places, but I'll work on that. In the meantime if you're in a crowded elevator and I decide to walk don't be offended.

I'm still evolving.

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