Too many mental tabs open today.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

But why?

Why? Why? Why? I used to hear this all the time from K. Why is that dog barking? Why can't I have candy? Why can't I have a sleep over? OK, I still hear it, many times a day. Today is Wednesday and we had our appointment with Dr. Phil, it was supposed to be a solo for me but given the recent theatrics of my MIL we decided it would be best to go in as a duo. This was also a good idea as we spent most of last night discussing the issue.

When Dr. Phil saw us he didn't seem shocked, we went and immediately went to town. After an abridged version of the whole story we sat and waited for some help. We are at an impasse on some of the main points in this current situation. After some back and forth Dr. Phil asked me what about this situation bothers me. Why am I so upset? Huh? Why the hell wouldn't I be upset? After years of what she put me through she was using her weakened condition to get out of acknowledging it then when she saw that D wasn't giving into her she made herself sick enough to put herself in the hospital just in time for Mother's Day. Mother's Day. Did he not see the irony here?

I understand that I have a very different way of thinking, I have a different way of doing everything and I don't expect those around me to do the same (at least I don't anymore). What I do not understand is this, a question I have been repeating to my poor friends forced to listen to it:

If I predicted that my MIL's illness (real or fake) would culminate in a hospital stay on Mother's Day how could I possibly consider this a coincidence? How could I not be bothered by this?

After careful thinking I kind of got what Dr. Phil was trying to get me to say. If I knew it was coming and I know her pathetic attempts to receive attention are simply a manifestation of a mental disorder that she refuses to deal with and acknowledge how can I be mad? I wasn't even surprised. My anger and my hurt isn't really directed at her it's at her son, my husband. After all that we've been through he still refused to believe this was a deliberate action. The why? The why is a my foot stomping temper tantrum version of "why can't he just see my side?" A feeling that takes me back to the second I realized this had become a competition. This feeling conjures up the same emotions started years ago when I realized that during a time of great need my husband didn't hear me, he put the demands and need to please his mother above the needs of his wife and the mother of his newborn child. These present events transport me back to the exact moment when the love of my life broke my heart. A moment that unfortunately is still so clear in my head, I can even give you the exact location.

It's not about carrying around anger or jealousy because it transcends that, in fact I wish it were only anger. That is an emotion I can deal with, jealousy is a wasted emotion and I thankfully do not allow that in my head (regardless of what others may think). It's hurt, a hurt that took place not only in the moment but went through my whole history way back to the little girl who had waited patiently for her night in shining armor. I'm not writing this to make D feel bad or apologize, I know how he feels now and I don't require an apology, he's already done that profusely. I am merely answering the question posed by Dr. Phil as to why this upsets me so much.

I'm not really sure where we are expected to go from here. We aren't exactly at an impasse anymore but we are both having a difficult time seeing each other's opinion on this specific action. I need to let go of that. Who cares what my MIL does. If she want's to damage her body that's really her problem. For me all I can do is hope: I can hope that she doesn't take these stunts too far and cause real damage. I can hope that D confronts her on this issue and doesn't get pulled into further dramatics. I can hope that my knight will clean off the years of varnish that has accumulated on his armor but what really hope is that I can let go of the hurt. I know I hold the key that unlocks the emotional handcuffs I've been wearing. I don't need the knight to do that, I can do this myself. I imagine I had the key all along, it must have been lost in the mess around my house I am finally cleaning.

I do need the knight to come in and hoist me up onto his horse. My arms will finally be free to wrap around him as we ride off into the sunset.

Or onto Sunset as this is a modern tale.

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