Too many mental tabs open today.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Solving life's problems,

one hour at a time can actually take long time. Today is Wednesday, which means that D and I have our standing Dr. Phil appointment (if you haven't been reading this from the very beginning Dr. Phil is our therapist, and no, it's not the TV doc). I entered into this whole therapy thing kicking and screaming and now I happily look forward to each session. I hardly kick going through the door anymore. Today was supposed to be a solo appointment for me, something I had only done once and actually enjoyed. I said "supposed to be" because it didn't end up that way. I guess you could say we had a small situation occur last night. Without going into specifics (for a myriad of reasons including the fact that I'm still not sure I feel OK talking about this, it's still pretty raw) lets just say we ran over, not into, a roadblock on the trust freeway (or highway if you're east coast). To only argue the facts, says our Dr Phil, is never going to address the issue, so here, for this blog post the facts do not matter. The issue, trust, the way it was broken, a lie. A lie that was meant to protect, but I'm not sure who it was protecting. Would I be able to go on with my life not knowing this lie? Sure. Am I better off knowing? Absolutely. For some reason D thinks that hiding certain things or behaviors, is better because knowing would only set me off and cause a fight or worse, make me angry. OK, anyone who knows me would say that when I find out (and when is the key word here because not only am I extremely intuitive, I may even be a little psychic says a good friend of mine). So why lie? Why hide something that is inevitably going to come out? Why make it worse by adding lying to the list of offenses? I guess I'm just confused, I don't lie, not just because I suck at it, I feel it serves no purpose. Am I some kind of saint? Of course not, I'll tell a fib here and there but never about myself, and certainly never to cover up anything that might harm myself or my family, it's not worth it.

Am I disappointed? Of course, do I understand how this happened? Yes. Do I think it will happen again? I hope not, I hope that we can back up and take another path to avoid this particular roadblock. D and I have been together for 10 years, we've been through good times and bad, just like every couple. We thought (like every couple thinks, I suppose) that we were different, above all the BS that other people go through. Better than the rest. You know what happens when you start to think like that. I am hoping that when we work through this, and work through this we will, that we'll realize making each other angry isn't the end of the world and that trying to be perfect is like nailing jello to the wall.

I know I'm not the easiest person to live with, I certainly have my issues and idiosyncrasies, my OCD is enough to drive anyone nuts (ah, I love ironies) but I am honest, loyal and trustworthy. All I ask is for that in return, everything else, we can work on, and will continue to work on, one hour at a time.

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